gold medal sport

I have a new idea for an Olympic sport.

Here are the Short Program rules: You have to be able to thread an IV into a hand vein the size of a pencil tip while simultaneously dodging when the completely out of it patient in question projectile vomits directly toward your face the entire time you're doing it.

When you've mastered that, you can move onto the Long Program. This is where you place a foley catheter in the same patient, inducing him to struggle so violently that he dislodges the IV you have just painstakingly placed and you have to start all over again in the other hand. Of course he has worked himself into a state where the vomiting is even more forceful, and, out of sheer spite, his aim has considerably improved.

For bonus points you need to have the med/surg floor call for report on another patient - as the ambulance with a car accident victim arrives - at exactly the same time you're still wiping puke out of your hair.

I'd be at the top of that podium, all right.

sorry...

...I've got nothing.

warning: rant in progress

I've had a day.


Work called this morning as soon as the kids were at school, wondering if I could come in and pick up some hours. My immediate thought was hell, no, but it didn't take me long to change my mind. The pressure on me right now to produce cold hard cash is huge, so I went in while the kids were in school. I got up off of the comfortable sofa, put down my laptop and sucked it up. I picked up shifts Wednesday and Thursday. I also picked up shifts Saturday and Monday. Add in my scheduled Sunday and I just bought myself six days in a row. I get a little drippy around the eyes every time I think of it.


I got the kids home from school and headed out to the grocery store, since one of the things on my To Do List today had been to get some food in the house. Surfer Dude went with me, and I was no sooner out of my car than I saw my patient with the relative from hell from yesterday's post. She was moving pretty well for a woman in the excruciating pain that prompted the narcotics run earlier. As I watched her in horror, she leaned into the car and I realized that The Man in question was right there. My trip took longer than necessary since I did all of my shopping looking over my shoulder for Dumb and Dumber.



Then my cell phone started ringing. It was Sasquatch with earthshattering questions about gaming systems and birthday cash he needed me to pull and three phone calls in five minutes later I told him I was no longer answering my phone and would talk to him when I got home. Then I tried to pull the birthday money he asked for, only to find out that it exceeded the cash back limit by ten dollars and I had to stand in that godforsaken end of the workday line twice.


We walked in the door to this scenario - Gumby in the bathroom calling me frantically on my cell, the floor littered with juice bottles, empty cups and the broken piece of a chair arm and the kitchen wall dripping with some unnamed fluid that no one was willing to take responsibility for. One of Sasquatch's oldest friends was over, just to spice up the mix a little and confuse the story still more. I've known this kid since he was seven, and he may stand seven inches taller than me but I can still take him out. And he knows it. At one point Gumby looked me in the eye and lied straight out. When called on it he said "I just said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear."


And I went off. In a ballistic kind of way. Nuclear, even. Of all the phrases on my shit list right now, this one is pretty near the top. And to have those foul words come out of my sweet little baby's mouth left a really sick taste in my own mouth. I would far rather be verbally attacked by an asshole with a Vicodin agenda.


There are times when the anger I have about the way my life is changing almost overwhelms me. And it surprises me, too. The things I'm angry and upset and sometimes sad about aren't the things I thought I would be angry and upset and sometimes sad about. I'm learning so much about myself, and a lot of it is, for a lack of a better word, fascinating. Is this really the person I am? How long has this been going on? And why am I just now figuring it out?


But as I looked around my destroyed kitchen and checked out all the crappy food that I was going to be feeding my children because I don't have time to make them anything decent, as I thought about how I was going to have to depend on them to keep themselves safe when they are left to their own devices, as I thought of days and days of work ahead of me, I just felt defeated.


And that's so not a nice feeling.

TKO

I had a run in of the unpleasant kind with a patient's family member at work. Without getting into all the gory details, lets just say that a) this particular set of people is not unknown to us, and b) this guy came at me with claws out and foul mouth in overdrive the second he walked onto the unit. The very first words I exchanged with him were defensive ones on my own behalf.


A few minutes later the discussion was over. I wouldn't exactly say I won, but I sure as hell didn't lose either. It was a draw in that a) I was still standing and b) his sorry butt hadn't been hauled out of the building. I was describing the scene to the doc I was working with, and even though I was trying to make it funny, I know I still had a little tremble in my voice. I don't like conflict, especially when it's directed loudly and abusively toward me. On the other hand, if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen, and the ER can be one hot kitchen. If you want calm and peaceful, this is not the place to be and I know that. I wanted to turn it into a good story - not look like a weenie.


He listened quietly as I ran through the saga, and when I was finished he stood up slowly, a nasty purple flush creeping up his face. He had only one thing to say, and it was,


"Where the f**k is he?"


Have I mentioned lately how much I love the people I work with??

The Thursday Three

We're having a wild weather week here and I'm loving it. Of course, this is making me think of


Favorite Kinds of Weather


There's a saying in Kansas that if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change. This week has certainly been a good example of this. We haven't had snow (phew!), but we've had pretty much everything else. We've even had some humor. The operator at work came on the overhead speaker and said "Attention - the National Weather Service has just issued a tornado warning for our county" and we all yelled "What??" since we hadn't heard a word about a possible tornado. About ten seconds later she said, "Uh, sorry. I meant a thunderstorm warning." Tornadoes, thunderstorms...whatever.




#1. Thunderstorms. Might as well start here since I'm already on the subject. (And god knows I won't be listing tornadoes under any kind of favorite weather). I love thunderstorms. I love rain and I love wind and I love the drama of thunder and lightning. If it happens to roll through at night while I'm snug in my house, it's even better.


#2. Wind. Not only with rain, either. Any wind is great as far as I'm concerned. One of the major local weather components is a warm wind, very strong and usually from the south. In California we had the Santa Ana winds, which are very hot and very dry. Here the wind is more humid and kind of envelops you. And it's fabulous.


#3. Rain. (Sensing a theme yet?) Oh, I adore rain. There's almost nothing better than going to sleep at night with the sound of rain beating down on the house. And puttering around the house with the steady sound of rain in the background is just about the best thing ever. It almost makes up for all the mud the dogs are going to track into the house every time they go outside.


How about you?

TMI

I stole this from Kaytabug, and it's a good thing she had it, because my brain is in sleep mode, with no improvement in sight. Today is my first of a five out of six day work run, and even though only a couple of them are twelve hour shifts, I'm tired just thinking about it. Yikes!


Things I've done are in orange, things I haven't are in black and anything pending is in blue. Ignore any editorial comments along the way. (Here's a pre-comment to ignore- dang, I need to travel more).


And away we go...


01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12.Watched a lighting storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36.Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (stalled at around 40)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving (there's not enough money in the world)
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a Cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a Martial arts class (couldn't walk for a week)
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (never even played once)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (does a music video count?)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River (Colorado yes, Snake, no)
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten Shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone (heh)
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently (define fluently)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror (Magenta, baby)
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (does seeing Springsteen 13 times count?)
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (hey, it didn't say "published")
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show (lost in the first round on a Helen Keller question)
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten Sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts (I'm howling here. Where's the start button?)
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (not that I know of, anyway)
150. Saved someone’s life

remote control

My kids can't find their shoes, their homework, their backpacks, their shin guards, their house keys, any one of the cordless phones or my cell phone if I'm fool enough to let them use it.



But they always know where the television remote is.


They can't remember to put their dirty dishes in the sink, flush the toilet, put their laundry in the hamper, take their sack lunch to school with them or not leave their violin on the playground.


But they never forget to take the television remote with them from room to room.


From the instant Surfer Dude and Gumby hit the door, it's a battle over the remote. It makes no difference whatsoever if they won't be watching TV for hours. The point is that He Who Has The Remote Is In Control. If one of them puts it on the table while they go into the kitchen to get a snack, the other one snatches it up. Then they argue over who has control of the remote. Tonight they argued over which show they wanted to watch. (Do I even need to mention that we have more than one TV? I didn't think so. Do I even need to ask why one of them can't just go watch what they want on another TV? I didn't think so). As soon as Gumby "won", he changed stations and then turned around and talked to me for pretty much the whole episode. It wasn't about the show, you see, it was about the "control".


A couple of nights ago he fell asleep on my bed, remote in hand. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'd never be able to post it anyway, for fear of him murdering me in my sleep if he found out. In lieu of a photo, I'll try to describe it. You may not believe it, but I'll do my best.


He was flat on his back with his legs spread and his knees bent. The remote was clutched in his right hand and was perpendicular to his body. He was holding it in the immediate area of the male default brain, and the remote was sticking straight up, resting against his thighs. As I watched him in disbelief, he started to wake up a little bit, and his left hand went straight to his genitals to make sure the remote was still there. As soon as he got his sweaty little fist on it he fell right back asleep, content as can be.


If anyone knows where I can find a good estrogen room spray, please let me know. I don't care what it costs. I'll take a case.