the room parent from hell

As usual, I'm a Room Parent this year. The only thing that varies normally is which kid's class I'm room parent for. This is Gumby's year, since he's a sixth grader and this is his last year of Elementary school. Next year (and last year) belongs to Surfer Dude. I've learned the hard way that once you have a child go into Junior and Senior High the opportunities are pretty limited, so I try to have my fun while I can. I was room parent for Sasquatch more times than I can count. One year, in a moment of true insanity, I was room parent for all three of them the same year. Not one of my brighter moves.

The duties are pretty much the same no matter the grade. There are parties to organize, parents to hit up to bring food and provide entertainment and, in sixth grade, a graduation/recognition ceremony at the end of the year. But even though the basic job has stayed the same, it isn't nearly as easy as it used to be.

Witness the politically correct times we live in. There are three classroom parties during the school year - the Fall Party, the Winter Party and the Spring Party, or, as they were known in the dark ages, the Halloween Party, the Christmas Party and the Valentine's Day Party. Used to be at a party you could bring party food - kid style - like cupcakes, cookies and punch. That's all verboten now, since the decree has been made that only healthy snacks can be served at school, even for celebrations. I understand this logic perfectly, since nothing says Halloween to a kid like celery sticks. And on February 14th, the day we can't call Valentine's Day, passing out apple slices makes perfect sense. Would you like some tap water to wash that down, kids? Some gruel? A wooden spoon?


I'm really cranky about this right now because I've been completely hung out to dry by the parents in Gumby's class and I'm basically having to provide the whole party myself. Yeah, yeah, I know it's a busy time of year, people, and as soon as I get my butt off the sofa and wipe the bonbon juice off my hands I'll look for my violin to serenade you and your busy life. It's times like this when the whole PC thing really gets on my nerves. I can do one healthy snack that the kids will like, but I don't think I can do a whole party of them. Not effortlessly, anyway. Sadly, I can pull a junk food party out of my butt in about three minutes flat. Two if I buy the food already made.

And the games are a challenge, too. I'm planning on playing Pictionary on the chalkboard. I'll divide them into teams and have them pick cards to see what they have to draw for their teammates to guess at. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to come up with twenty or thirty different things to draw that have nothing to do with a holiday, be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or anything else I may be forgetting? I have snowmen, sledding, ice fishing (!!), skating and sixteen others, but I need more. Bells? Nope. Can't use them. Could be religious. Reindeer? You have to be kidding. The Grinch? Come on. A menorah? Santa? A candy cane? No, no and no again.


I've basically said to hell with it with the food. Tonight Surfer Dude and I made peppermint fudge and chocolate kiss pretzels. I'll take a big bowl of apple caramel popcorn and a couple of gallons of apple juice. And call it a day. Pretzels are healthy. So is popcorn. But you can't tell me that at least half of these kids (if not more) won't eat more unhealthily at the school provided lunch they eat tomorrow before the party. (You know, the lunches I won't let my kids touch with a ten foot pole).

I understand not setting up these things so entire groups of people feel excluded, and I understand that as a nation our kids are growing immense. But it's one day. One party. Before a two week break. And they are bouncing off the walls already.

Could we just lighten up a little bit?