Snooze 'R' Us

I'm not a morning person. I don't loathe them the way I used to, but if I had my druthers I'd not face the light of day until at least 8 am. 9 would be better. Going along with loathing them less is also the ability to function better. Used to be I would sit in a fuming pile, coffee clutched in hand and eyes unfocused until I felt able to start coping with the day. Now, lacking options, I just get up and get on with it. Growing up sucks.


I've thought about this recently because I've been picking up extra shifts at work and they've been of the crack of dawn variety. These require me to be pulling out of my driveway at 6:30 on the nose. And even this is better than my old nursing job, where I had to be on the road by 6 for a 45 minute drive. I was always relieved that I was awake by the time I got there, but I hate to think of my level of consciousness during the trip.


As a combination of these two factors - disliking mornings and years of early shifts - I've worked out a routine that is, if I do say so myself, a brilliant combination of procrastination and type A compulsiveness. The patent is pending, but I'm going to let you all have a look. I even have two versions - the washed and the unwashed. Ready?


Countdown to 6:30 driveway peel out:


5:45 am - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze and roll back over.


5:54 am - repeat.


6:03 am - repeat the hit snooze part. But...if shower is needed, begin to wrap brain around the fact that when it goes off again it's time to get up. If no shower is on the agenda, roll back over and go to sleep.


(This snooze alarm part is very important to the schedule. It's vital to the plan that you've had the satisfaction of thumping the snooze button at least twice before your feet hit the ground. If you're really organized you could even put this on your daily To Do List. Hit snooze alarm twice. Done. See how efficient you are?)


6:12 am - Shower time? Get up. Try not to fall over solid black dog sleeping at top of stairs. Stand under hot stream and cuss blindly for at least a full minute to get bile out of system. Wash hair while cussing. Remember to cuss close-mouthed, because it takes an extra 30 seconds to rinse shampoo out of opened mouth. Every second is going to count here.


6:19 am - Alarm will go off again. Shower is finished, or, if still in bed (thanks to pre-bedtime shower the night before), must now get up. Blindly grab clothes set out the night before and head downstairs.


6:20 am - Grab (set up the night before) coffee. From now until butt hits car seat, slam as much coffee as humanly possible. Let the dogs into the yard and head into the bathroom. Sit to do your business (ahem) and put on all clothes from the waist up at this time. Remember, busy is as busy does. Stand up and put on everything else except socks. (Don't cheat. This is important).


6:22 am - Throw bagel or english muffin in toaster. Brush teeth, then put on moisturizer while walking to door to let dogs in. Apply foundation on the way back to bathroom.


6:23 am - Slap on some mascara and put on watch (always left in exactly the same place).


6:24 am - Collect already packed lunch box from the fridge, already packed backpack from the kitchen table and keys from the hook on the fridge where they always hang. Put everything on the kitchen table.Grab shoes from usual spot in the laundry room. Throw them under the kitchen table. Slop some peanut butter on carb of choice and wrap in foil. Throw in lunch box.


6:26 am - Go upstairs to make OCD-like kissing rounds of sleeping husband and children. Work from the back of the second floor toward the stairs. Pat dogs simultaneously.


6:28 am - Plop down at kitchen table and mainline as much coffee as possible while putting on socks and shoes. Savor 90 seconds of caffeinated solitude.


6:29:30 - Leave house and head to car.


6:30 - Peel out on schedule.


I feel it only fair to tell you that this is the extended version of my patented plan. It can actually be done in six minutes, although certain niceties may be eliminated. I eat my breakfast either in the car or at work, and, thanks to all the coffee, I actually remember the drive. It's a miracle.


I call it the You've Gotta Be Efficient To Be Lazy plan. Franchises are available.

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Happy Birthday, Mom!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO