Snooze 'R' Us

I'm not a morning person. I don't loathe them the way I used to, but if I had my druthers I'd not face the light of day until at least 8 am. 9 would be better. Going along with loathing them less is also the ability to function better. Used to be I would sit in a fuming pile, coffee clutched in hand and eyes unfocused until I felt able to start coping with the day. Now, lacking options, I just get up and get on with it. Growing up sucks.


I've thought about this recently because I've been picking up extra shifts at work and they've been of the crack of dawn variety. These require me to be pulling out of my driveway at 6:30 on the nose. And even this is better than my old nursing job, where I had to be on the road by 6 for a 45 minute drive. I was always relieved that I was awake by the time I got there, but I hate to think of my level of consciousness during the trip.


As a combination of these two factors - disliking mornings and years of early shifts - I've worked out a routine that is, if I do say so myself, a brilliant combination of procrastination and type A compulsiveness. The patent is pending, but I'm going to let you all have a look. I even have two versions - the washed and the unwashed. Ready?


Countdown to 6:30 driveway peel out:


5:45 am - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze and roll back over.


5:54 am - repeat.


6:03 am - repeat the hit snooze part. But...if shower is needed, begin to wrap brain around the fact that when it goes off again it's time to get up. If no shower is on the agenda, roll back over and go to sleep.


(This snooze alarm part is very important to the schedule. It's vital to the plan that you've had the satisfaction of thumping the snooze button at least twice before your feet hit the ground. If you're really organized you could even put this on your daily To Do List. Hit snooze alarm twice. Done. See how efficient you are?)


6:12 am - Shower time? Get up. Try not to fall over solid black dog sleeping at top of stairs. Stand under hot stream and cuss blindly for at least a full minute to get bile out of system. Wash hair while cussing. Remember to cuss close-mouthed, because it takes an extra 30 seconds to rinse shampoo out of opened mouth. Every second is going to count here.


6:19 am - Alarm will go off again. Shower is finished, or, if still in bed (thanks to pre-bedtime shower the night before), must now get up. Blindly grab clothes set out the night before and head downstairs.


6:20 am - Grab (set up the night before) coffee. From now until butt hits car seat, slam as much coffee as humanly possible. Let the dogs into the yard and head into the bathroom. Sit to do your business (ahem) and put on all clothes from the waist up at this time. Remember, busy is as busy does. Stand up and put on everything else except socks. (Don't cheat. This is important).


6:22 am - Throw bagel or english muffin in toaster. Brush teeth, then put on moisturizer while walking to door to let dogs in. Apply foundation on the way back to bathroom.


6:23 am - Slap on some mascara and put on watch (always left in exactly the same place).


6:24 am - Collect already packed lunch box from the fridge, already packed backpack from the kitchen table and keys from the hook on the fridge where they always hang. Put everything on the kitchen table.Grab shoes from usual spot in the laundry room. Throw them under the kitchen table. Slop some peanut butter on carb of choice and wrap in foil. Throw in lunch box.


6:26 am - Go upstairs to make OCD-like kissing rounds of sleeping husband and children. Work from the back of the second floor toward the stairs. Pat dogs simultaneously.


6:28 am - Plop down at kitchen table and mainline as much coffee as possible while putting on socks and shoes. Savor 90 seconds of caffeinated solitude.


6:29:30 - Leave house and head to car.


6:30 - Peel out on schedule.


I feel it only fair to tell you that this is the extended version of my patented plan. It can actually be done in six minutes, although certain niceties may be eliminated. I eat my breakfast either in the car or at work, and, thanks to all the coffee, I actually remember the drive. It's a miracle.


I call it the You've Gotta Be Efficient To Be Lazy plan. Franchises are available.

***********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Mom!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

they're breeding...

Just another weekend in the ER...







Female patient giving her chief complaint to the triage nurse - "I was in here yesterday because I wanted you to fix my hangover but the wait was too long and I got bored. So I went out into the parking lot and slept with some guy I met in the waiting room and the rat bastard stole my Vicodin right after. Can you give me a refill?"

Trashy looking mother of a toddler with bronchitis to RN - "Well, no I didn't get her antibiotic prescription filled. I didn't have the money. Yeah, I know it's on the $4 plan at Wal-Mart. But I was out of cigarettes. I get mean when I don't have my smokes. She deserves a mother who isn't mean, don't you think?"

Woman with metal barbells about two inches long and maybe a quarter of an inch around stuck through each of her nipple piercings to her RN (as the RN removed a piece of tape from her arm) - "Oh, my god, stop. You're killing me, bitch. I've never felt pain like that in my life." (Delivered in a loud enough scream that both an aide and a doc stuck their head in the door to see who was murdering who. They both later volunteered to help me).

And here's a final thought - If, on your way out the door post-discharge, you happen to turn around and notice your doctor and your nurse high-fiving each other and clinking coke cups together joyously...yes, it is because you're leaving.

Honest. I'm a nurse. I'd never lie to you.

Fun Monday # 10

Lisa at Lisa's Chaos is hosting Fun Monday this week and she wants to meet our pets. To do this I'm going to recycle and combine two posts from when I first started my blog last Spring. I'd like you to meet my four legged children. They all came already named from the animal shelter. The nicknames, unfortunately, are all ours.




First is Trixie, also known as Trixie Belle, Bella, Trix, girly girl, golden eyed girl, Bella Boo, Your Majesty and Whiny (rhymes with stich). Mostly, we call her The Diva, because she is. We brought Trixie home in August 2000 and she’s pretty much ruled things since. Even though she’s the smallest of the three dogs, she’s definitely the alpha dog. She and the Film Geek have each other wrapped around the others fingers. Paws? I’d be jealous if she didn’t have to pee in the yard. My family always had dogs when I was growing up, but my husband thought he was allergic as a kid. He says it still amazes him how much he loves having dogs and it’s all because of her.


Trixie’s specialty is whining to go out. For some reason she thinks if I’m not the one to let her out it doesn’t count. She will walk past three people sitting right by the back door to come find me; through the dining room, through the living room, up the stairs, through the library and into my bedroom, where I’m happily dreaming of Hugh Grant. She’ll get right in my face and whine pitifully. I’ll climb out of bed and retrace her path backwards, saying bad words all the way. When I come to the people sitting right by the door I’ll say really bad words. It’s a game she never tires of, and my bad word vocabulary continues to grow. Forgive me, Hugh.



Next is Isaiah, full name Isaiah Elvis Beans, AKA Izzy, Beans, the Sparkplug, StarButt and The Most Perfect Dog in the World. Guess who he has wrapped around his paw? That would indeed be me. This is the sweetest, gentlest dog you will ever meet, although he can be pretty fierce and protective when he needs to be. He was abandoned and abused as a puppy, and he just oozes gratitude for the life he’s fallen into.


We adopted him in February 2002, because we saw a Humane Society ad with his picture and he looked just like Trixie. I secretly went to the pound out of curiosity and this little butterball of a dog climbed straight into my lap. That was all, folks. I had the paperwork in process before I even went home. If you think I didn’t have a lot of explaining to do to my husband, think again. He had no idea we were in the market for a second dog. In real life he doesn’t look a thing like Trixie. It must be fate.

My precious boy’s only drawback is that he is severely intestinally challenged. He has been known to clear an entire room in one fell swoop. If you ever see any of my kids jump up and run out of a room for apparently no reason, take my advice and follow them, for your own sake. One time when we had people over he ate an entire serving bowl of seven layer bean dip and we had to move the party outside. Even the other dogs were disgusted. Do you know how hard it is to disgust a lab?




Last is DeeDee, also known as Dumb Dog, Needy DeeDee, Destructive Dog, the Escape Artist, psycho (rhymes with stich) and the Walrus. She is our newest addition, adopted in March 2005. She is obviously the Film Geek’s payback for Isaiah.

Listen to what happened. We went to the shelter to drop off our recycling and the kids wanted to go in and look. We said why not? Mistake number one. Then we see this skinny black lab, with, in my husband’s immortal words “the flattest ears I’ve ever seen." The what? He said we should read her information card on her kennel. I said why not? Mistake number two. Well, the dog and her brother had been brought in together by a family that was unable to keep them anymore. On her info card, under Special Skills, it said she was trained to a cow bell. A what? It was a toss up by that point who was looking at me more imploringly, the dog or the husband.


Fast forward…we brought her home. I kind of owed him one. Mistake number three? Well, the kids adore her and she’s fabulous with them. She's the most territorial and protective dog we have. And she really doesn't have a cranky bone in her body - she's very sweet. Having fed her for two years, however, I have a better understanding of why her first family couldn’t keep her. She has some serious abandonment issues, as in she never stops eating. She’s enormous. I’ll bet she weighs twice what she did when we brought her home. And her ears aren't even remotely flat anymore. Hmm.


All doggy positions in our household are now filled. No further applications are being accepted.

June Bug

I've been tagged by Jo Beaufoix to do the Birthday Month Meme. Here's the way it works. Each month has a list of qualities that anyone born in that month supposedly has. We get to go through and address each one and see how it applies (or doesn't) to us.


I'm a June baby. You'd never have picked me for a Gemini, right? Right. So here we go.


JUNE:


Thinks far with vision. Well, I'm nearsighted. And it can't be corrected with glasses. So that's a no, right?


Easily influenced by kindness. I think kindness is the most important thing in the world. So that's a yes.


Polite and soft-spoken. I actually am relatively soft-spoken. Or maybe I just sound that way compared to the rest of my family. And I'm pretty polite, too. I was raised right.


Having ideas. Oh lord. I've got a million of them. And they never stop. No matter how much I beg them to.


Sensitive. Far, far, far, far too much so. I'm one of those people who is empathetic to the point where I can get embarrassed for someone, even a television character. This sensitivity is a major minus in my job. Sometimes I have to go in the break room and kick my backpack. I need to get better at distancing myself from people's pain.


Active mind. Um. Yeah. If my body were this active I'd look like Keira Knightley.


Hesitating, tends to delay. This may surprise you. I'm very tentative in situations until I feel comfortable. I don't like to act unless I know exactly what I'm doing. This made for an interesting learning curve in critical care nursing. Once I'm comfortable...look out.


Choosy and always wants the best. Nah. I'm way too cheap to want the best. Well, I want it. I just won't buy it.


Temperamental. Um. Yeah. Several years into our marriage the FG heard (probably on NPR) that there was no translation in Arabic for the phrase "calm down." I was sure there was and asked my father. He scratched his head and thought about it. Final Answer: NO. I'm sure this is an area where I take after my lovely, calm Scotch mother.


Funny and humorous. Only unintentionally.


Loves to joke. I think if you can laugh your ass off at least once a day you could live to a hundred. At least.


Good debating skills. I am a world class arguer. For better or worse I can run high speed verbal circles around almost anyone. I'm not sure this is a good thing.


Talkative. Daydreamer. Sometimes you can't shut me up. Sometimes I talk all day and don't really say a thing. Sometimes you can't drag a word out of me. Every minute I'm awake I daydream. Why is that?


Friendly. I like to think so, but I'm really shy. I hide it well, but it's still there. I'm always afraid someone is going to take my shyness for aloofness, or worse, arrogance.


Knows how to make friends. Again, I like to think so. I have a lot of friends. Does that count?


Able to show character. I'm all about being me. I'm not all about pretending to be someone I'm not. If you like me as I am - great. If not- oh, well. I'll just go read a book.


Easily hurt. Yes. But I'm working on that.


Prone to getting colds. I refuse to even answer this. Was this question planted? Where's my kleenex?


Loves to dress up. Used to. Used to have to. Now, I'm big on "comfortable". I'd like to change that though. I like nice clothes and I've heard I clean up well.


Easily bored. I can be. It depends on what it is. Some things I have all the patience in the world for. Others? Not so much.


Fussy. Oh. My. God. NO.


Seldom shows emotions. I'm good at hiding them, I'll admit. It's a defense mechanism.


Takes time to recover when hurt. Too long. Way too long. Sometimes never.


Brand conscious. Bwah hah hah hah! Oh, I'm sorry, we're you talking to me? Okay, seriously. Some things, yes. I like a real Cuisinart and don't mess with my Bobbie Brown make-up. I figure as little as I wear it, it better be exactly what I want. Other than that...no.


Executive. Not so much.Unless I'm related to you, I hate telling people what to do.


Stubborn. Oh, lord. How much time do you have?


Now I'm supposed to tag people, but (forgive me, Jo), I'm not going to. This is up for grabs, folks, and a really fun one it is. (Not to mention a life saver. I was pounding my head against the wall for a post). Consider this a late Christmas gift to all.

Here are the instructions:

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months.
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a
comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!

THE MONTHLY FLAVORS, WHICH ARE YOU?

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach
and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to
criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive
and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited
or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but
prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves
children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very
stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and
clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy
and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom.
Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily
hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary
things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and
leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved.
Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses
others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves
attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors.
Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and
fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional.
Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others.
Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover
can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp
thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep
feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no
motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong
clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good
imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts.
Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and
soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to
delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous.
Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows
how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting
colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes
time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful.
Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and
easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and
mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving.
Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges
people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves
to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be
quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not
aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless.
Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous
and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises.
Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous.
Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves
to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and
defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns
to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make
friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to
point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to
talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good
memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must
control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding.
Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows
emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in
relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at
the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry
often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but
recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others
think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts
and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just
and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves
children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique
and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong
clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive.
Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but
amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is
a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry
unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others.
Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited.
Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in
relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and
keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and
interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations.
Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to
be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing
personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions.
Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

now I know my ABCs

And the wait for the report card continues...



Just to comprehend exactly what we're assuming we're waiting for, how about a little word game? Which one of these do you think matches up with us?


Artichokes
Are
Awesome

or

Brothers
Behaving
Badly

or even

Chronically
Cussing
Correspondent

oh, no


not even close


how about


Dogs
Feeling
Flatulent

Now we're talking.

questions, questions...

I'm struggling with that nasty attention span thing again, mostly due to item #1, so today it's question time. Yes, questions. As always, I advise you to appreciate the days where I abandon my usual verbal diarrhea in favor of short and succinct. You never know when you'll get this lucky again.



Question #1. Why the hell can't I get well? I've had a low grade head cold/drippy nose/sore throat thing going on for over a month and I cannot shake it. Can I tell you how embarrassing it is to be leaning over a patient and have to whip my head around to avoid dripping snot all over them? On the one hand it's a great way to test their reflexes. On the other hand it's just plain gross. For all involved. I was roundly warned to expect to be sick my entire first year in the ER, but I never really expected it to happen.



Then a couple of days ago I made the mistake of wishing it would get bad enough that I could finally get it out of my system for good. Be careful what you ask for. Right after dinner Wednesday I fell face first into the sofa and I'm still basically in that position. Plus - I feel better now. Another plus - I'm all caught up with my blog buddies since I didn't have the energy to do anything except lie around and read. Third plus - Have I mentioned how much I love this laptop?



Question #2. Why, when I've made a New Year's resolution to be more of a go with the flow, loosey goosey type gal, do Sasquatch's end of semester grades immediately factor into the equation? I still haven't gotten written notification, but today, on his first day back at school he got verbal confirmation. I've opted to not go off the deep end until I get the grades in the mail.


I need a mantra, people. And I need it before tomorrow's mail.


Question #3. Why did I ever think a side by side refrigerator and freezer was a good idea? When we bought this place the only appliance not included was the fridge. All the others were stainless steel so I got to go out and buy the only new fridge of my life, since it's hard to find a used stainless one. The FG basically said to buy what I wanted. I liked the idea of a side by side, so that's what I bought.


But here's the catch. Nothing fricking fits in it. Frozen pizza barely fits. Want to be efficient and make a double batch of something and freeze one? Better not make it in a casserole pan because once it's in, the door won't close. I found this out the hard way tonight (again) and we'll be eating the same casserole for dinner tomorrow because I can't freeze it. Grrr.



Question #4. Will my luck hold out and the lice stay gone? So far so good. No nits for two weeks. Life feels a little empty when my evenings aren't spent combing out conditioner covered hair by the hour. On the other hand, my skin has never been so smooth. Think of the time I could save by just buying a good hand cream.



Question #5. Will I ever shut up? Yes. Yes, I will. Right now.

The Thursday Three

Well, it's a New Year and you know what that means...


New Year's Resolutions!


Yeah, yeah, I know. Most well-intentioned resolutions last about as long as celebrity rehab, but still. Hope springs eternal and all that jazz. So, as a cockeyed optimist, here is my list for 2008. If things go well I'll keep you all updated. If you don't hear another word about any of these things, well...there's always next year.



#1. Be a better me. Get healthy. Lose weight. Remember to take my vitamins and put on moisturizer every day. Take a little more care with my appearance so I don't look like ass half the time. (Three quarters?) Try to not leave the house in my pajamas. Grapple with the fine art of moderation. Laugh more and worry less. Live in the moment. Enjoy every day. Or at least most of them.




#2. Step out of my comfort zone with my writing. I'm not entirely sure what I mean by this, so I suppose the first step is to figure that out. But I do know that somehow in the last year I've gained some confidence in my writing. Now I just have to see where it goes - if anywhere. Starting this blog was a huge step out of my comfort zone. Now I'm going to push the envelope. Somehow.






#3. Landscape my yard. Not the whole damn double lot, but at least start the front. Expect lots of cussing and crying, because I don't know what the heck I'm doing. But I'm going to learn, and I'm going to do as much of it myself as I can. I can't afford to pay someone to do it and it isn't something the FG has the slightest interest in, so that leaves...moi. All advice gratefully received. If you have a curse filter on your computer, install it now. You'll need it.



What are your resolutions for 2008?