The Thursday Three

I have some talents. Really, I do. I can make a mean homemade pizza crust, start an IV almost with my eyes closed and am able, with no hints whatsoever, to tell which drawer in my kid's room is the one hiding the remains of last night's before bed snack. I can monitor homework from three rooms away, beat almost anyone at Scrabble and know intuitively when the dog's water dishes are empty. I'm not a total loser. But...

I also have some talents that I'm not so proud of. Talents that don't really advance me in the game of life, if you get my drift. I call them my useless talents. If it makes you feel any better you can call them skills. Useless skills. And I believe we all have them. Maybe you can curl your tongue. Perhaps you can do world-class armpit farts. Maybe belch the alphabet. None of these are really imperative to survival. What are your useless talents? Are you tough enough to admit it?


Totally Useless Talents


#1. Birthday Recall. If I hear your birthday once, just once, I will
remember it for the rest of my life. Truly. I have absolute birthday recall. You might think this would be a useful talent. It certainly should be. Unfortunately, even though I remember someone's birthday, I never remember to do anything about it. I may say, "Oh wow, it's Cleopatra's birthday today", but do I remember a card? Do I call? Let's not even get into the present aspect. So, I remember it but forget to do anything about it which makes me feel terrible so I'd be better off not remembering it in the first place because if I forgot it entirely it might just be better.
Ya know what I'm sayin'?



#2. Impeccable Internal Clock. I can tell you within ten minutes what time it is at any given time. Without looking at a timepiece of any kind. If I wake up in the middle of the night I know what time it is before I look at the clock. I don't need the clock in my car, because I already know what time it is. I'm always on time, usually early, because not only is this internal clock embedded in me, but it's loud and obnoxious about the need to be timely. I am a human alarm clock.

Back in the days before wristwatches and cell phones that tell time in twelve different time zones, this could have been a kick-butt talent. But who needs it now? I always wear a watch, so I have basically made my own talent obsolete.

The funny thing is that I have absolutely no sense of direction whatsoever. Absolutely none. What. So. Ever. I cannot stress this enough. I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag in my own bedroom under a voice activated halogen light giving me GPS instructions. I would be so happy to trade some of this time talent for something I could use, like the ability to find the grocery store. You can't buy a watch for directions.




#3. Tidy Toes. I can pick up anything with my toes. Anything. Pencils, dirty dish towels, errant dog kibble, skanky underwear on the floor, you name it. I can pick it up. My nickname growing up was monkey toes, because my toes are disgustingly long compared to what they should be. This is another thing that could be a blessing in disguise, but isn't. Because first, I have two perfectly good hands to pick things up and second, now I have a complex about my toes.

And a strange desire for bananas.


You see these toes? Not even close. I could possibly palm a basketball with my toes. Reach a full octave on the piano with my toes. Swing from a tree in the jungle with my toes. Without. A. Problem.

Sigh.

Your turn.