I went to my first really big gathering post-split last night, and man, was it weird. Not the gathering itself. That was not weird in the slightest, in fact it was perfectly lovely. It was everything else that was weird.
I've never been one for big parties anyway. This may be very hard to believe, but I'm really, really shy. I feel totally awkward surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know, no matter how nice and friendly they are. And the fact that there were also a ton of people I knew didn't help much. If anything it almost made it harder, because I'm not entirely sure of my place anymore. I'm not married, although not technically divorced. (Soon. Very soon). I'm not even remotely in the market for a guy, but am suddenly ill at ease talking to men - something that has always come very easily for me. I'm aware that I can come across as a little flirty, which has always been a perfectly safe thing in the past. But not anymore. Have to keep an eye on that. Someone might take it the wrong way and think I actually mean something by it. God forbid.
Even the way I look makes it worse. Yeah, I've amped up the hair. Yeah, I've bought some really cute new clothes. Yeah, I'm actually putting on make-up most days when I go out of the house. (Believe me when I tell you that Vogue will not be calling anytime soon in spite of all of the above). But I'm doing it for me - kind of a little pick me up. I don't actually want anyone to notice. That would mess with my preference for flying under the radar. Well, people did notice. And they were pretty sweet about it. But that made me worry more. Am I trying too hard? Do I look...desperate...or something? Like I'm trying to prove that I'm not damaged goods? I feel awfully comfortable in my own skin most of the time, but it's been tricky lately. When I'm in big crowds of people it's even worse, and I just feel like a wallflower.
But if I wanted to totally fly under the radar, the whole wallflower thing would be perfect. I could fade into the background. I'd walk around schlumpy like I've always done and life would be good. Kind of. But by making an effort to not look like ass most of the time, it's kind of putting me out there in a way I'm not used to. It's very un-wallflower like. So? Which one is it?
Or in short...what the hell am I doing here, people?