Tuesday, August 19, 2008


I went to my first really big gathering post-split last night, and man, was it weird. Not the gathering itself. That was not weird in the slightest, in fact it was perfectly lovely. It was everything else that was weird.

I've never been one for big parties anyway. This may be very hard to believe, but I'm really, really shy. I feel totally awkward surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know, no matter how nice and friendly they are. And the fact that there were also a ton of people I knew didn't help much. If anything it almost made it harder, because I'm not entirely sure of my place anymore. I'm not married, although not technically divorced. (Soon. Very soon). I'm not even remotely in the market for a guy, but am suddenly ill at ease talking to men - something that has always come very easily for me. I'm aware that I can come across as a little flirty, which has always been a perfectly safe thing in the past. But not anymore. Have to keep an eye on that. Someone might take it the wrong way and think I actually mean something by it. God forbid.

Even the way I look makes it worse. Yeah, I've amped up the hair. Yeah, I've bought some really cute new clothes. Yeah, I'm actually putting on make-up most days when I go out of the house. (Believe me when I tell you that Vogue will not be calling anytime soon in spite of all of the above). But I'm doing it for me - kind of a little pick me up. I don't actually want anyone to notice. That would mess with my preference for flying under the radar. Well, people did notice. And they were pretty sweet about it. But that made me worry more. Am I trying too hard? Do I look...desperate...or something? Like I'm trying to prove that I'm not damaged goods? I feel awfully comfortable in my own skin most of the time, but it's been tricky lately. When I'm in big crowds of people it's even worse, and I just feel like a wallflower.

But if I wanted to totally fly under the radar, the whole wallflower thing would be perfect. I could fade into the background. I'd walk around schlumpy like I've always done and life would be good. Kind of. But by making an effort to not look like ass most of the time, it's kind of putting me out there in a way I'm not used to. It's very un-wallflower like. So? Which one is it?

Or in short...what the hell am I doing here, people?


Jen said...

You're dealing with it the best way you can. People who know you are naturally going to be interested in what you're doing, how you look, etc. because they want to see how you're coping. Maybe you should worry less about being a wallflower, or blending in, or flying under the radar, just let people see you. It's okay. Besides, a little discomfort is good now and again, it helps you grow. Or something. Hell, I don't know.

Jen said...

And after rereading what I just posted, it sounds awfully preachy (speaking of second-guessing!) Sorry!

Flutterby said...

It doesn't sound like you are over-doing the new look at all. Therefore, maybe most people see you as someone who has been set free and are emerging from a cocoon. Up, up and away!

Akelamalu said...

Nothing wrong with making the best of yourself honey, and it's good if others notice, but it doesn't have to mean you're looking for love does it?

Rose said...

It's called adjusting. Everything feels new and sometimes it's exciting and sometimes it's scary. But you are stronger than you even realize. Embrace it! (hope that didn't sound too "self-help" babble)

Marti said...

To quote your favorite movie, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!"
Well, baby, don't stand in the corner and don't over-think how you are supposed to act. You have a wonderful personality. People gravitate towards you b/c you are fun, flirty, full of laugher, and have great things to say. You should never consider becoming a wall flower b/c that is not what you are meant to be - it is safer to want to blend, but you are emerging into someone new and embrace that. Don't worry about what other people are thinking...just be true to yourself.

Keep it up! And, I too, am not trying to sound preachy.


Lil Mouse said...

Sorry I have to agree with Jen's comment. you're doing the best you can. leave it at that. do what makes YOU happy.

Lil Mouse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kitten said...

When Dan left me 10 years ago, I went and done about the same as you. I wasn't looking for nothing, but me. It felt good at times, but also scary. I can't really help you because of some of the stuff I'm going through ( it's hard to explian) All I know, is keep your head up high and just be you. Enjoy being able to be you and the feeling of freedom. If that makes since.

Devon said...

A woman I know in passing from my kid's school divorced a year ago. I saw her about 4 months after the split. She looked great! Make up, no sweat pants, hair cute! I have to admit, my first thought was NOT, "does she want my husband?"

My first thought was, "She must have been really unhappy in that marriage, because look at her now! She is smiling more and she sort of glows!"

Hold your head up... people probably aren't thinking what you imagine!

Anonymous said...

Don't think about it so much. It is great that you are getting out of your comfort zone and starting to socialize in groups. I know exactly how you feel, I hate large groups, and I too am shy. I hate pretending. However, I think you should be yourself, go with it and don't second guess yourself or go back and relive the night. It was what it was and who cares what anyone else thinks, as long as you had a nice time.

By the way, I am late in commenting on the book idea, but I have been saying that since I "met" you. You have a gift and talent for writing and connecting with others. Can't wait to read it.


aims said...

You're just trying to find you. Finally.