Saturday, December 29, 2007

the letter B

this just in:

Bloated Blog Babe Bemoans Boldly Burgeoning Buttocks

or how about:

Bedridden Blogger Blames Bulging Belly

The bedridden part technically isn't true. (I could get up - if only I wanted to). But it certainly conveys my melodramatic bent at the moment, so I'm going with it. I feel very Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, a movie I have to admit I've never seen all the way through. I know the formula though. Hand on feverish (or not) brow, lip quivering and bosom (all six of them by now) heaving - now that's melodrama.

I spent a fair amount of Friday laying around and doing not a heck of a lot. One of the things I've been attempting to do the last few days is to get caught up with my blog reading, since I was falling further behind by the day. As I've surfed, I've noticed a trend. There are quite a lot of us complaining (either in posts or comments) about how bloated, overfed and disgusted we are by this stage of the festivities. A common theme is a fridge full of leftover "holiday" food that no one wants to eat anymore and a belly that would not look out of place on a woman being told by her OB to start pushing.

Of course the reason this rings such a bell with me is because I am the Bloated Blogger. I've got the bellyache from hell and the only reason I can come up with for it is that for the last couple of weeks I've consumed anything in front of me that hasn't been nailed firmly down. Holiday buffets at work. Chocolate. Champagne. Christmas dinner. Chocolate. Chili. Key lime pie. Chardonnay. Tamales by the ton. Falling down gingerbread houses. Pfefferneuse. Peppermint anything.

If you put a picture of me on a board next to a picture of a garbage scow
, three out of five people couldn't tell the difference. And the other two would be laughing too hard to express an opinion.

Thursday night, as the final straw, we went to dinner at the birthday boy's restaurant of choice - a Mongolian BBQ. To make it even better, we realized as we got there that, except for leftover candy and chips, none of us had really eaten all day. So we got there starving and inhaled.

Can I just tell you that this was a mistake? I woke up in the middle of the night convinced I was having some major cardiac event because I was miserable. My belly was killing me, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't find a comfortable position to save my soul. I flopped around for hours. Nothing worked.

In the morning I said to the Film Geek

I think I'm having a heart attack.

He said

We're going to the hospital right now

I said

(Oh, come on, people. You all know what I said)

I said

Like hell. If I fall down I want to go to the ER in the next town over. Shave my legs before you call the paramedics and tidy up the kitchen while you're at it. Offer each of them a beer to drive me to the next hospital over. Offer the whole six pack if it comes to that. Under NO circumstances do ANY of my coworkers see me naked. Got it?

I have mentioned that I'm a hypochondriac, right? Oh, yes, I am indeed. And while the FG knows and expects it, heart pain isn't normally something I would screw around with. So we argued for a while and he called me a pig headed something or other I can't recall and then I went and laid down. Melodrama aside, I really didn't feel well.

Then my paranoia really set in. It was just like my father. He had a massive heart attack in his sleep a few years ago and died instantly. Out of nowhere, as the whole family said. Well, except that he smoked four packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day for forty years. And had high blood pressure. And type II diabetes. And was overweight. And felt that a meal without beef wasn't a meal. And never exercised a day in his life. And internalized all his stress.

I'm a lifelong non-smoker with low blood pressure and no diabetes. I exercise, although probably not enough. My BMI is in normal range, though barely. (Or at least it was before this holiday season). I do not care for meat in the slightest. And god knows I don't internalize anything.

See? Exactly the same. (Lovely insight into how my brain works, wouldn't you say?)

By bedtime I still felt rotten, but at least I knew I had company. I was writing this post and trying to come up with a word that rhymed with self-induced anorexia when my insides rumbled and what should escape but a huge

buuuurrrrppppp. (and it felt

Is it January yet?


Kaycie said...

I have news to cheer you up. It is indeed almost January. And January brings the return of one of our favorite shows: "Medium". Oh, yes. On January 7th.

Oh, oh, guess who is guest starring in SEVERAL episodes . . . Angelica Huston.

Feel better yet?

Amy said...

This morning I said to my husband, "I wish I could stop eating." He thought I meant something about self-control. Really, I just wanted to stop eating forever. Ugh. Tomorrow we do it all again at my sister's.

Meanwhile, I've unzipped my pants and my kids are making faces and silly voices with my fat rolls. Normal BMI, my bulging butt – depends when I weigh myself.

But I feel better knowing others are suffering, as well. Solidarity, baby.

MarmiteToasty said...

What a great post LOL

Yesterday I used the last of the turkey, with 4 huge lads in the house, I did buy a GINOROUS fresh bird.... so it was roasted on crimbo day, and since we have had cold turkey with pickles and jacket spuds and salad, and then turkey and almond garlic bake, then turkey curry and last of all yesterday I finished up with Turkey lasagne :)......

Ive hid the scales and today begineth a detox LOL fruit veggie and fish ONLY .....

Happy belated crimbo wishes....


Flowerpot said...

very nearly January RC. And we had Gone witn the Wind on Boxing Day. I only caught the end of it but had forgotten how wonderful it was. What a cow she was! Brilliant!!

PixelPi said...

I've been waiting for my burp of relief since T'giving. So far, no luck. I think my BMI is in triple digits.

But I won't think about that today. I'll think about it tomorrow.

laurie said...

poor you. i'm with you. gas-ex first, ER last resort, i say.

oh, and have a big glass of water. that helps, too.

Akelamalu said...

I have one last BIG meal to go at on New Years Day - a Chinese Banquet - then I start THE DIET!!!


my two cents said...

What is BMI?

The last thing I had before bed last night was gas-x. The first thing I had when I woke up this morning was tums. That should tell you something.

Kimberly said...

Oh how I echo those sentiments, especially the last. I feel like everything will be better in January. Ever the optimist. Ha. Feel better!

ped crossing said...

I am ready for a magic wand to remove all excess junk from my house. You hate to just throw it away, but you just don't want to look at it any more.

And BMI (body mass index) is a measure of body fat.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Do you get Zantac where you are RC? It's good.
And I never watched Gone with the Wind all the way through either. I just can't stomach it all n one go.
And normal BMI? Hee hee. I need to get one of those.
At least it's nearly January.

Potty Mummy said...

We just got rid of the last of the Christmas chocolate, RC. By eating it, obviously...

So I know how you feel.

Stacie said...

There is nothing like a good burp. And tamales. Lots and lots of tamales!

Hope you are feeling better today.

laurie said...

and if your BMI is truly normal then i'm not listening to you anymore. mine is three pounds over the "oerweight" side.

and what did my little sister heidi give me for christmas? european drinking chocolate, a huge chocolat bowl, marshmallows, and a little battery-powered foaming thing.

and did i have a big bowl of hot chocolate today? oh yes.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

kaycie - woo hoo! I love that show. And the husband? Eye candy central.

smy - yep. solidarity. It still hurts, but maybe a little less.

marmitetoasty - hey there! and belated crimbo wishes to you, too. I'm all about the detox. I just wouldn't know where to start.

flowerpot - she really was a piece of work, wasn't she?

pixelpi - TG was when my problem started too. I hate this time of year!

laurie - I've been drinking sparkling water. Swig. Burp. Swig. Burp. Repeat.

akela - I'm honest to god looking forward to dieting. I hurt. I swear I do.

my two cents - tums and gas-x. The diet of champions. BMI is body mass index (as ped crossing said). It tells you if you're underweight, right on, over or obese. Google BMI and it will give you lots of online calculators. If it were me I'd wait until January.

kimberly - well, I'd rather be a cockeyed optimist than...a realist??

ped crossing - that's also a problem here. I hate to throw it away, so I eat it. I'd be better off throwing it away.

jo - we do have zantac. I should really give it a shot. But this will make you laugh - I hate taking medicine!

potty mummy - well, sure. How else would we get rid of it? burp.

stacie - I do feel better today, but I still feel like the Goodyear blimp. But I do love tamales...

laurie - I said my BMI WAS right at the normal range. That was right before TG when I had lost four pounds. (and it was close, let me tell you. I shudder to think what it is now.