Wednesday, February 6, 2008

built to last

Embarrassment and humiliation seem to be recurrent themes lately here in blogville. As I have cruised my usual haunts the last few days, it seems there are a lot of people pulling out their embarrassing stories for public consumption. And of course, being human, we all think our story is the most embarrassing and humiliating one in the world. We all have think we take the cake.


I usually don't toot my own horn, but I'm going to here. And that's because I know I have the most embarrassing and humiliating story in the history of the world. Which for some obscure reason I'm about to share. Why? I'm giving up self-esteem for Lent? No? I'll think of something. Just give me time.


My story takes place about twenty years ago when we had just gotten married and were living in a tiny little duplex. Now there are two important facts you need to know:


1. I absolutely, positively, without hesitation adore my in-laws. Always have. Even after this story.

2. I used to sleepwalk. I did it sometimes as a kid and still do it every now and then.



One night I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The FG, who was in bed, came looking for me when it took me a long time to come back. As he walked into the utility room he saw me lift up the lid on the washer, hoik myself up on top of it and...


Do my business in the Maytag.


The next day he had a field day with my little somnolent faux pas. I had to admit that it was a little on the bizarre side, but, since no one but my husband knew about it, I was finally able to laugh at the absurdity of it. Besides which, isn't that why the drain cycle was invented? And bleach. Lots of bleach.


There was a big family get together on his side a few weeks later. I can't remember exactly what it was for but there were a ton of people there. Some I was meeting for the first time. The FG was videotaping it, so I was kind of on my own for a good part of it. Afterwards, a whole bunch of people got together at his folk's house to watch the videotape.


I was finally relaxed after a day of trying to make a decent impression on people I barely knew. I watched the tape, following along as my husband got in people's faces and shot them with their mouths full and caught fun little candid camera moments.


Until...


The camera panned to my mother in law, mid-sentence and in the middle of a bunch of people. And she was saying


and then she picked up the lid of the washing machine and...


You could have heard a pin drop as she told the story. My husband, camera in hand, was heard chortling in the background. And the living room audience was dead still. All except for me. I was making odd little noises as I tried to see if I could asphyxiate myself in a bowl of french onion dip. (Final verdict: No).


I don't remember another thing about that night, but my MIL and I have laughed about it for a long, long time. I can laugh at myself. Eventually. I don't think I was laughing that particular night, however.


I don't think I have any lasting effects from that little episode. But I don't buy Maytags, either.


Anyone else want to share?


Postscript: My husband has just read this and says I have it all wrong. He says it was a plastic five gallon bucket next to the washer, not the washer itself. And he says that the only reason he told anyone is because it was so "cute" when I refused to get off the bucket because I "wasn't done yet". And he says he ought to know since he was the one who was awake.

Whatever. It was still embarrassing as hell. Am I too late for the Bucket List?

33 comments:

Nearlydawn said...

So, what you are saying is that FG was/is into making horror films? LOL

I'd have killed him, in front of his family, while they were too in shock to realize what had happened. I would have gotten off of the murder charge by reason of temporary insanity. :)

Of course, by now you would have been out on good behavior and would be as you are - able to laugh about it. LOL

Just kidding - it isn't so bad as far as embarassing moments go. Not really. But no, I'm not sharing my story...

Corey~living and loving said...

oh my....that is a doozy there. Darn hubby telling on you like that.

Thalia's Child said...

Holy crap! You're right, that is embarrassing!

Sweet Irene said...

My embarrassing story involves a giant turd that wouldn't be flushed at my in laws and that's all I'm going to say about that. You are brave telling your whole story. I would tell mine for a million Euros and have my name and picture printed with the story, but for nothing less.

PixelPi said...

Mine is also retold frequently at any inappropriate time. I had a panic attack in Tijuana and tried to use my Visa card to get back to the U.S. side.

Unfortunately, the line marked "VISA" with big letters was for day workers with U.S. visas to go back and forth, not for bank debit cards. My panic attack escalated as I repeatedly tried to swipe my debit card in the migrant worker line.

Mr. Pi and Mr. & Mrs. Gunslinger were all just standing there howling with laughter. Finally my sister took pity and steered me to the U.S. border guy, who looked me over very carefully, and then we got back to the U.S. and the car (we left the leased Mercedes on the U.S. side, you know, just so there would still be a car when we got back).

After my sister made me take 2 Ativan and everyone stopped laughing, we drove off to San Diego. I'm never leaving the country again. Well, depending on how the election comes out.

Total time in Mexico: Twenty minutes.

Total time swiping debit card uselessly: Ten minutes.

Story for the generations: Priceless.

Aoj & The Lurchers said...

*snorting with laughter* I have several embrassing moments and I need to think about whether I can share my humiliation!!

Potty Mummy said...

Sharp intake of breath.... Oh, he would have been dead meat if that had been me. DEAD MEAT.

Flowerpot said...

Oh my!!! I shall keep quiet about mine for the moment - I'm not as brave as you!

the mother of this lot said...

I can't think of a single thing to say!

laurie said...

whoooooaaaa golly.

that's every nightmare i have ever had. in spades.

laurie said...

pixel, your story is hilarious. you are not to be blamed! the sign said VISA, didn't it?

Diana said...

You are a saint. An absolute saint. Had my husband done that, he'd be in many pieces in many places, none of which would have ever been found.

And no jury would have convicted me.

Simply Jenn said...

I still sleep-walk but mine includes banshee screaming and running. My middle child has more than once wandered around in her sleep only to end up downstairs in our pantry trying to climb on our trashcan to pee.

My most embarrassing moment was being at the state genetics advisory council meeting and shutting my head in the door of the nurse heading on of the committees who I had just had lunch with (and just met). I went to the meeting (which was 1.5 hrs away from home) with a paper towel held to my head. Every single doctor came by at the end to look at my ear, laugh and tell me I needed stitches. I will never, ever be forgotten in anyone on that committee.

Sandy said...

That is frickin' funny! the funniest part is that you don't buy Maytag when all these years you should have been boycotting buckets!

Thanks for sharing. That is just funny.

ped crossing said...

I say you can't be blamed for things you do in your sleep. It is like being mad at someone for something they did in your dream.

I just have too many embarrassing stories to mention.

Kimberly said...

My cousin did the same thing once...except it was into a basket of clean laundry.

His mum sure was perplexed the next day...

aims said...

I tried to pee into a shoe one night when I was really really ill.

Tiggerlane said...

OMG..that was HYSTERICAL! I loved it!

Definitely on the bucket list...forever!

Kaycie said...

I would have killed the FG. Or laughed.

It is funny. Either way.

Iota said...

At least you were asleep when it happened. I'm glad about that, for your sake.

Pixelpi - your story is hilarious, and your humiliation has been the cause of many moments of raucous laughter round the blogging world, I'm sure. Thank you for sharing.

Akelamalu said...

Oh the shame!

Of course I have never done anything remotely embarrasing! ;)

Did I tell you about the time I fell over a coffee table drunk with a glass of brandy in my hand and never spilt a drop? Now that's not embarrassing that's a party trick! :)

kitten said...

LOL! That one takes the cake. I'll run through my brain and come up with something later on me.
You are more than welcome to do the meme.
My oldest has the flu now and so does my mom. Because my mom has been having problems with her COPD the Abulance came got her this morning. She had 104.8 fever and couldn't really respond. When they got her to Tupelo she crashed. They have incubated and in ICU, no responsive. So, I may not be on for few days. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
I would love to read your Bucket list.

Swearing Mother said...

And you forgave him?

You are one forgiving woman RC!

Swearing Mother said...

We were watching Billy Connolly on TV, and I was about eight months pregnant at the time. We had some friends over for the evening so we were all sitting around together, really laughing at Billy's show. It was getting funnier and funnier, I was laughing more and more, the tears were streaming down my face, when suddenly I realised that I really needed to pee. Unfortunately, I couldn't get up quick enough, being so huge, and what with me laughing at Billy Connolly and everyone laughing at me trying to get up, I just sort of lost all bladder control and couldn't stop.....so pee'd like a horse in front of everyone. I didn't even have the presence of mind to lie and say my waters had broken and save myself from awful embarrassment.

I wonder if Billy would be flattered that he had made someone actually wet themselves laughing.

laurie said...

the last time doug went ice fishing he slept out on the couch in the motel unit they rented. and one of the guys, who was quite drunk, came staggering out of a bedroom and tried to pee on doug. who shouted! and then the guy turned and tried to pee in an ice-fishing bucket.

Rose said...

You may already have won but here's one from me!

laughing alone in the dark said...

One of my most embarrasing moments happened almost twenty years ago and I'm still too traumatized to talk about it.

Although I will talk about the time I paid a Mexican police officer $100 not to arrest me.

(Although it'll cost you $100).

Love your comment Sandy. Made me laugh out loud.

Lisa said...

BWAHAHA!

Brings back fond memories of having to go in a coffee can during the night because it was too dark to go to the out house! :o)

Jensen said...

My embarrassing story starts with a visit to my aunt. After chatting with her for about an hour I went out to my car to grab something.

At this point in the story I should mention that my aunt's house is very distinctive, but the house next door could be its identical twin. It was dark out so I didn’t notice that the house I casually walked into was a different color than my aunts. When I got inside I remember thinking that I didn’t remember a chair next to the door, but I dismissed the thought and proceeded upstairs. When I got up there I heard a voice that obviously wasn’t my aunts yelling, “Is that you Bob?”

I immediately realized that I was in the wrong house, and the woman who lived there thought I was her husband. I didn’t stick around to explain the mix up. I left as quickly and as quietly as I could, hoping I wouldn’t run into the husband as I made my escape.

I’ve never seen my aunt laugh so hard when I told her.

elizabethm said...

Oh my what a story, although swearing mother's is also top of the league. I can't tell you mine because I foolishly made the mistake of blogging while insufficiently anonymised.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hmmm. At least he didn't film you on the bucket...he didn't film you on the bucket did he?

Iota said...

You should head over to the Pioneer Woman's blog, and enter your story. She's running a competition for embarrassing stories, and you could win a Wii.

Quick!

Pamela said...

my middle daughter walked in her sleep. I caught her pulling her pants down and starting to "sit" on the piano bench.

Now her son is a wanderer at night, too. she caught him in "the act"... in the laundry hamper.

Makes you wonder what DIDN'T get interrupted!