Tuesday, February 19, 2008

slap fights
















This past week won't be going on any Top Ten lists whenever I finally look back at my life and pick my favorite memories. My Saturday evening wine/chocolate/Hugh trifecta failed to deliver, much to my chagrin. Insult was added to injury when we ended up watching Michael Clayton instead and even George Clooney couldn't help. Now I'm the first to admit that they lit him very badly in this film but still. George and Hugh both? That's bad.


So on Sunday I shifted into Plan B - the fabulous bells and whistles bath. Lovely bath salts and oils, a moisturizing mask on my face, my favorite incense burning, a huge cup of tea - the works. This would relax me, damn it. I was going to insist on it. As the tub filled I took deep breaths and thought calming things. I was repeating my mantra - this too shall pass - when I heard a horrible thump from the living room. And again. I ran out of the bathroom, soothing carrot mask beginning to work its magic on my face, to see what the commotion was.


It didn't take long. As soon as I hit the dining room I took in the sight of Sasquatch and the Red Headed Step-Child rolling around on the floor, grunting and making inarticulate noises. The RHSC had a huge hunk of SQ's hair clutched in his hand and SQ was swinging blindly at the RHSC's head. Gumby and Surfer Dude were watching transfixed from the living room. This was a new one.


Channeling my inner mommy superhero, I grabbed them each by the collar and dragged them apart, shrieking at the top of my lungs the entire time. (I'm more used to dog fights and was wishing I had a water hose). Bear in mind that SQ is 6'1 and RHSC has a good three inches on him. No sooner did I start getting the story (a classic case of he said/she said) than SQ picked up a frickin' chair and swung it toward the RHSC's head. I deflected it with my arm (ouch) and proceeded to quietly go insane on him. Okay. Maybe not so quietly. The thumping I had heard was the two of them brawling on the stairs on the way down, knocking out spindles as they descended. I have a glass front door at the very bottom of the stairs. I was not amused.


I sent SQ to his room and drove the RHSC home. I wanted to call Laurie/Elly Mae on the way to give her a heads up on why I was bringing her son home in a battered state, but he was in the car so I couldn't. And even though we have a pact to treat each of these boys as if they are our very own, I somehow thought that looking like I had beaten him senseless was taking it a step too far.


I dropped him off and he ran upstairs in tears. I came home to find Sasquatch upstairs in tears. When I realized I still had the carrot mask on my face I wanted to hide upstairs in tears. And my bath water had gotten cold. Damn. The scent of soothing incense was in the air but I wasn't feeling the love at that point.


The reaction from people close to the boy brawlers was interesting. This was certainly a first. Our buddy Stacey, who knows them both far too well, said she imagined it would have been like a girlie-girl slap fight. (We might have taken this the wrong way, but we all knew that her son would have been the third girl in the ring). Paternal units were nonplussed. (And conveniently not home at the time).


But the exclamation point on the whole episode was provided by Gumby. As I walked back in the door from taking the RHSC home, Gumby stretched out on the sofa, grinned at me and said


Mom, you're a betting woman. If you hadn't pulled them apart who do you think would have won?


I took my bath later. Strike three.

32 comments:

Eileen said...

This did not sound relaxing at all. In fact, it sounded like a nightmare. I had big brothers, and getting between them, when angry, is not fun (or funny, even in a carrot facial mask). Your lucky you were not seriously hurt (how is your arm?) or the boys didn't end up doing more damage to each other. Sorry that happened, really. Hope it all works out between them and you and the parents. I hope you go to a Spa my dear, a nice Spa with no phone, for just 2 days. You need some major relaxing time, as do I. We'll make it part of our check up pact, OK?

XOXOXO

Sister Honey Bunch said...

First, the daughter is a funny girl. Second, go find a way to relax. Stat.

Simply Jenn said...

Now that is a situation I've never encountered. I bet the water hose would have worked, but it's probably too messy to be feasible. Sadly, with 5 kids of my own I find it all too easy to believe the fight would happen right at relaxation time. They never happen when *we* are on the early warpath and not in need of restoration. I hope the late bath helped. I thought about taking one today, but decided it wouldn't help anyway. I really hope you get some me (you?) time.

Willowtree said...

There are times that I really wish I had children, then there's now.

ped crossing said...

Oh, honey. You need a weekend. Without kids or dogs or husbands.

Wanna come to my house. You can remember what they were like when they were little and everything could be solved with a "tookie". (cookie) And even when they were bad they were entertaining and cute and you couldn't help but laugh. I need to video more so I will be able to remember in a few years.

I hope your bath was exceptional later. Hugs!

Thalia's Child said...

Yikes! You need a break, big time.

I've got a lovely spare bedroom, if you want to really get awayyyyyyy from it all ;)


Perhaps it's time to pull out all the stops and sneak away for a pedicure at a really fancy spa that will give you a glass of wine while they put paraffin wax on your feet.

-Ann said...

Yikes, I'm with WT on this one. I recommend an extra long weekend in Key West.

Kimberly said...

I second TC's invitation. You need to get away!

Stacie said...

Oh, RC, I am sorry that your relaxing night went astray. Seems like things always happen when you need to relax the most. California is a callin if you ever want to head on over...you can hold a baby or two for as long as you want!

Hope the boys have resolved whatever went wrong between them. That is the good thing about boys--they fight, and then things are usually over and done with and all is forgiven quickly. Had they been girls, you would have never heard the end of it!

You know, I remember when my brothers fought like that. I was about 8 years old, sitting at the kitchen table, when my older brothers ran by me kicking and punching each other. My mom was washing silverware at the kitchen sink as they went by. I have a vivid memory of the silverware soaring through the air as she flew to break up the fight. I had never seen her move so fast! She had the boys pulled apart and was yelling all kinds of good things before they even knew what hit them! (It makes me smile every time I think of it! Hee Hee) I have to say that they never fought like that again. (maybe you cured your boys from fighting like that again by how you responded?)

Oh, and your little gumby is a riot!

belle said...

Damn it, why does it always happen just when we try to relax?! If you work out a way of winding down, do let me know ... best I've managed so far is prescription drugs ;o)

Sweet Irene said...

I have never had this experience as I had only one boy who did occasionally fight with his sister, but it was verbal, which I thought was bad enough.

It takes guts to get between to angry boys and not get hurt yourself in the process. I am sure your heart was pounding when it happened and all thought of a relaxing bath was out the window. I don't think Moms are supposed to have such luxuries, maybe only late at night.

I am very happy that your stage in life is not my stage in life any longer. I have a lot of peace and silence and lots of time for luxurious things, not that I do them, but I do have the time.

Sometimes all you need is the silence of the early morning and a mug of coffee and the sound of nothing but your own heartbeat.

PixelPi said...

Oh no! I have heard these tales of teenaged boys from Mrs. Gunslinger. They are always nice when I'm around, because I'm the aunt and therefore cannot intervene. But I'm surprised Mrs. Gunslinger hasn't had a stroke by now.

Ditto to invitation to a getaway to the frozen north. You could have the tub, the wine, the fireplace, Hugh, and the cats, and Mr. Pi and I will go away for the weekend.

Potty Mummy said...

I recommend buying a fire extinguisher RC - and then punishing them if you have to use it on them by making them clean up the mess and pay for the subsequent drycleaning out of their allowance.

But ask me again in 8 years and I suspect my answer will be very different...

Maggie May said...

Blimey! Is this what we have to look forward to? The people in our house are smaller so easier to control! I loved this site, made me laugh! I often see you on other blogs but I don't think I have left a message yet.

Jen said...

Okay, I know I had kind of a crappy week last week myself, but damn. (I admit to laughing at the carrot mask, sorry, couldn't help it)

I agree the water hose (but only one with a powerful sprayer) likely would have worked, but then there would have been flooding to clean up. I would say I'm glad we've got girls, but I know they fight, too.

May I suggest a Southern screened in porch, a rainy afternoon and a biscuit with cherry butter to put yourself at ease?

laurie said...

california beckons.

go visit mom for a long weekend. alone. get a one-way ticket, just in case.

Diana said...

You're right. The carrot mask was the crowning touch.

I feel particularly sorry for the stairs. Will SQ be apprenticing with a woodworker?

Lisa said...

BWAHAHA! Sorry... I can't help it!

Did the carrot mask crack when you went quietly insane on Sasquatch?

Kaycie said...

I started laughing when I read the title on bloglines. It's ok, I have boys, I know how they are, so I can laugh. With you, of course. I did not laugh at the spoiled bath, but the forgotten carrot mask, yeah, I laughed. (Sorry.) But the biggest laugh of the post was totally Gumby closed follow by WT's comment. What a great laugh.

Hey, leave the dadgum boys with the FG and drive down for the weekend. We'll catch a good movie complete with hunk then go to the spa and follow with a wine chaser. If that doesn't relax you, I can't help.

Iota said...

Blimey, that big cup of tea has a job on its hands...

Sandy said...

I am so sorry that your bath went so terribly awry! Both boys are in woodshop, right? or soon will be?

I have no easy answers but my best bathtime (and I only have a grandson who stays with us part of the week) is about 3:00 a.m.

aims said...

Girl - what is happening to your life? Can I help in any way?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Crikey RC - what a night! Your place must have looked like the aftermath of a wild western bar fight! Good on you for deploying excellent referee skills - they might have mashed each other up otherwise.

kathy said...

You are a superhero, getting between those two must have been a doozy.

ciara said...

and we thought it was a good idea to have kids, didn't we? lol

guess i shouldn't whine too much about my stresses reading about yours :( you need some proper quiet time...crossing fingers, eyes, and legs you get some.

Akelamalu said...

Oh boy!

No black eyes? No worries!

Get him indoors to take them all out and take another bath - this time enjoy. x

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Dare I ask if the bath was at all relaxing in the end?!!

Crystal xx

elizabethm said...

You need a break badly - not a bad break like this one! Can't you just go AWOL for a working day? I like the fire extinguisher idea though.
Hope this week delivers the rest and relaxation.

Rose said...

WOW! What a day! You do need a day or two off, don't you? Hope you get it soooon!!

my two cents said...

I'm with Laurie, but it is cold and rainy here, just to warn you.

MarmiteToasty said...

Put the kids up for adoption, divorce the hubby move to a little easy to manage flat..... then you'll have all the time in the world......

LOL@the carrot mask..... sorry, but that is just so funny...

x

Jo Beaufoix said...

Nooooooooooooo.
And they both ended up in tears, bless.

Hope they've made up, and at least yur skin will be all yummy having kept the mask on for so long. Hugs.