Monday, April 28, 2008

gold medal sport

I have a new idea for an Olympic sport.

Here are the Short Program rules: You have to be able to thread an IV into a hand vein the size of a pencil tip while simultaneously dodging when the completely out of it patient in question projectile vomits directly toward your face the entire time you're doing it.

When you've mastered that, you can move onto the Long Program. This is where you place a foley catheter in the same patient, inducing him to struggle so violently that he dislodges the IV you have just painstakingly placed and you have to start all over again in the other hand. Of course he has worked himself into a state where the vomiting is even more forceful, and, out of sheer spite, his aim has considerably improved.

For bonus points you need to have the med/surg floor call for report on another patient - as the ambulance with a car accident victim arrives - at exactly the same time you're still wiping puke out of your hair.

I'd be at the top of that podium, all right.

19 comments:

ped crossing said...

Nothing like a slow day at the office.

You amaze me.

Carolyn said...

I can smell the puke from here. Oh no. Gagging. Can't type. Multiple gold medals to you...

Maggie May said...

You are an angel in disguise!

belle said...

Above and beyond the call, RC, well done. Now that's what I call multi-tasking ;)

Potty Mummy said...

yuck. Yuck. YUCK!

(Maybe you should change careers to something a little less stressful. Like swimming with Great Whites, or something...)

laurie said...

like i said, five days yes. six days, no.

Flutterby said...

Someone should design a straight jacket for patients like this. It would be a full body enclosure that would leave appropriate areas exposed so IVs, injections and such could be administered easier and quicker. This wouldn't address the vomiting problem unless the jacket included a neck brace that would ratchet (Ratched?) the head in a direction away from the nurse. Hmm, maybe I'll invent one.

And, yes, I have a dark side.

Kaytabug said...

Um, I'm thinking you do not get paid enough.

PixelPi said...

Two words:

Duct tape.

(But you still deserve the gold medal, and I totally agree with Laurie about 5 days not 6).

Dumdad said...

It could catch on. I'm not sure I'd like to watch the slo-mo though!

Akelamalu said...

Honey you deserve a bucket load of gold medals!

Amy said...

Um, yuck. I think you deserve a day off. Thank god for you and others like you.

Rudee said...

At least you weren't going 12 rounds with last week's patient. I'd much prefer getting puked on to verbal harangue. The puke washes away more quickly than the taunts.

CrazyCath said...

It is a shit job at the best of times.

Hang in there. Some one has to and it pays the bills.

Some one, somewhere, appreciates it. (Even if it's the kids when they grow up).

Thinking of you and sending you *hugs*

Jo Beaufoix said...

RC, I wouldn't even enter that competition. You're amazing. Heave.

ciara said...

crikey! you get a 1000 gold medals just for dealing w puke. i would be totally gagging and throwing up myself at the sight. just thinking about it is making my stomach heave.

Iota said...

National anthem playing and flag being raised...

girl with the mask said...

I don't envy you.

Swearing Mother said...

There's nothing like dodging a gusher of red hot puke to keep you on your toes RC. Bet you are fantastic at Wii games.