Tuesday, April 22, 2008

remote control

My kids can't find their shoes, their homework, their backpacks, their shin guards, their house keys, any one of the cordless phones or my cell phone if I'm fool enough to let them use it.



But they always know where the television remote is.


They can't remember to put their dirty dishes in the sink, flush the toilet, put their laundry in the hamper, take their sack lunch to school with them or not leave their violin on the playground.


But they never forget to take the television remote with them from room to room.


From the instant Surfer Dude and Gumby hit the door, it's a battle over the remote. It makes no difference whatsoever if they won't be watching TV for hours. The point is that He Who Has The Remote Is In Control. If one of them puts it on the table while they go into the kitchen to get a snack, the other one snatches it up. Then they argue over who has control of the remote. Tonight they argued over which show they wanted to watch. (Do I even need to mention that we have more than one TV? I didn't think so. Do I even need to ask why one of them can't just go watch what they want on another TV? I didn't think so). As soon as Gumby "won", he changed stations and then turned around and talked to me for pretty much the whole episode. It wasn't about the show, you see, it was about the "control".


A couple of nights ago he fell asleep on my bed, remote in hand. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'd never be able to post it anyway, for fear of him murdering me in my sleep if he found out. In lieu of a photo, I'll try to describe it. You may not believe it, but I'll do my best.


He was flat on his back with his legs spread and his knees bent. The remote was clutched in his right hand and was perpendicular to his body. He was holding it in the immediate area of the male default brain, and the remote was sticking straight up, resting against his thighs. As I watched him in disbelief, he started to wake up a little bit, and his left hand went straight to his genitals to make sure the remote was still there. As soon as he got his sweaty little fist on it he fell right back asleep, content as can be.


If anyone knows where I can find a good estrogen room spray, please let me know. I don't care what it costs. I'll take a case.

24 comments:

Willowtree said...

If you really want to make things interesting, buy a few generic remotes so that everyone has one. That should be pretty funny.

Nervus Rex said...

Aren't males funny funny creatures? :)

Thanks for the visual; LMAO!!!

ped crossing said...

That was snortin' funny!

And does that mean they never learn to flush? If you find the estrogen spray, please share. I'm going to need it almost as much as you do.

Eileen said...

Sounds familar, only with girls. My girls actually hide the remote, so they can get to it first. Thus, I never know where it is. The cat fights that occur over the remote and the control of the tv are crazy. Sometimes I just want to toss the tv into the lake. I really do. How is that for control?

Maggie May said...

The two must important things in a male's life! How funny!

Carolyn said...

Too funny. It's a bizarre comparison, but the description of Gumby asleep with the remote reminds me of that YouTube video of the baby in the sink with the water running over the her hand. Have you seen it? Sort of a Pavlov's Dog kind of thing. Very funny.

Oh wait. I found it here: Funny Baby.

Carolyn said...

oooops. Nice typo. "The her hand". Huh?

ciara said...

ummm do they leave the toilet seat up, too? lmao...that's boys for you and it doesn't get better w age either lol

i really don't know what it is about men, the remote, and control. when stinky comes home from work and i'm in the middle of watching a show he takes the remote (because i'm not clutching it and it's on the table or i'm in the bathroom) and start watching whatever he wants. one day i got fed up w that...i said to him that just because he came home he was NOT the master of the universe, errrr....remote. also, that he just could NOT change the channel while i'm in the middle of watching something.

maybe i need to threaten him again w the pulling a lorena bobbit w the toilet seat if he kept leaving the seat up, cept this time i use the remote?? lol

Frances said...

I was about to suggest another remote, but willowtree got there before. I remember using a generic remote secretly when two unnamed males were having a battle of the remotes. Very satisfying.

Rudee said...

More than one remote is a satisfying way to mess with them. I've done it-not that I won anything, including control.

You should have snapped the picture although you did paint a pretty good one with your words.

Jo Beaufoix said...

That is so funny. My brothers were just like that. It's definitely a power thing. I'd paint it pink and put bows on it, then they might not be so keen to lay claim to it. :D

Amy said...

You should have taken the picture anyway. You wouldn't have to post it, but you'd have it. And you could always threaten him with hit.

Kaycie said...

You know, RC, there's one easy way to fix this problem: you simply say, "Give me the remote."

Works like a charm at my house. I turn on PBS or the history channel or A&E and suddenly, I have peace and quiet.

Kaytabug said...

LMAO!!! You are so funny!! Loved the visual, that is hilarious!!

aims said...

The Man has set up the tv and everything else in so many techno ways that I don't really know how to work anything anymore.

Good thing I don't watch daytime tv - I'd be stuck while he's at work. Now that's control!

Lil Mouse said...

okay, okay, TAKE away all the remotes and see what happens. it kills me! ha! we grew up with a tv you had to physically get up and change the channel on and it made you a lot more complacent. after that one went, then the remote one came in, and my brother woulud actually take the remote from me, hit me on the head with it, and then change the channel to something he didnt want to watch, because he knew i didnt want to watch it. as soon as i got fed up, he'd change it back to cartoons for a couple of minutes and then back to whatever neither of us wanted to watch. finally i quit watching tv and just did my homework and read. didnt stop him from annoying me, but at least i didnt get hit with the remote.

Iota said...

That's hilarious.

Akelamalu said...

Oh you definitely should have got that photo - you could have blackmailed him for years! :)

Nearlydawn said...

Ha! Willowtree beat me to it!!! I was going to offer to send you a case of universal remotes, just to watch the fun from the cheap seats!!

TOooooo Funny!

You could tell him, my 6 wk old does the same thing with his pacifier! :)

the planet of janet said...

i'm spewing diet cherry chocolate dr. pepper all over my keyboard over this.

i think i married gumby's brother from another mother.

Swearing Mother said...

What is it about getting control of the TV? My husband will walk into a room, ignore the fact that I am watching something, pick up the remote and change channels, then walk back out again. Lucky for him I am a very poor shot when it comes to lobbing shoes, books and cushions at his receding back.

Another fave trick is to change channels, having flicked through at least forty instead of looking at the guide, select a load of crap and then fall asleep instantly.

The most infuriating thing is that he thinks this is quite normal.

GRRRR.

Grit said...

we solved this problem once by handing out 2 'dummy' remotes and one 'live' remote to our 3 kids. they all pressed and thought they were in control. unfortunately, now they have sussed us out on that one.

PixelPi said...

I'm still howling about the image of the default brain placement. I agree with Willowtree.

Or just hide it where they won't look (if there is such a place) and let them hunt for it. The reward will be the ability to watch TV. I'd use a tampon box or some other thing boys don't touch.

Still laughing.

CrazyCath said...

ROTFLMAO!

Men!!!!!!