Saturday, April 26, 2008

warning: rant in progress

I've had a day.

Work called this morning as soon as the kids were at school, wondering if I could come in and pick up some hours. My immediate thought was hell, no, but it didn't take me long to change my mind. The pressure on me right now to produce cold hard cash is huge, so I went in while the kids were in school. I got up off of the comfortable sofa, put down my laptop and sucked it up. I picked up shifts Wednesday and Thursday. I also picked up shifts Saturday and Monday. Add in my scheduled Sunday and I just bought myself six days in a row. I get a little drippy around the eyes every time I think of it.

I got the kids home from school and headed out to the grocery store, since one of the things on my To Do List today had been to get some food in the house. Surfer Dude went with me, and I was no sooner out of my car than I saw my patient with the relative from hell from yesterday's post. She was moving pretty well for a woman in the excruciating pain that prompted the narcotics run earlier. As I watched her in horror, she leaned into the car and I realized that The Man in question was right there. My trip took longer than necessary since I did all of my shopping looking over my shoulder for Dumb and Dumber.

Then my cell phone started ringing. It was Sasquatch with earthshattering questions about gaming systems and birthday cash he needed me to pull and three phone calls in five minutes later I told him I was no longer answering my phone and would talk to him when I got home. Then I tried to pull the birthday money he asked for, only to find out that it exceeded the cash back limit by ten dollars and I had to stand in that godforsaken end of the workday line twice.

We walked in the door to this scenario - Gumby in the bathroom calling me frantically on my cell, the floor littered with juice bottles, empty cups and the broken piece of a chair arm and the kitchen wall dripping with some unnamed fluid that no one was willing to take responsibility for. One of Sasquatch's oldest friends was over, just to spice up the mix a little and confuse the story still more. I've known this kid since he was seven, and he may stand seven inches taller than me but I can still take him out. And he knows it. At one point Gumby looked me in the eye and lied straight out. When called on it he said "I just said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear."

And I went off. In a ballistic kind of way. Nuclear, even. Of all the phrases on my shit list right now, this one is pretty near the top. And to have those foul words come out of my sweet little baby's mouth left a really sick taste in my own mouth. I would far rather be verbally attacked by an asshole with a Vicodin agenda.

There are times when the anger I have about the way my life is changing almost overwhelms me. And it surprises me, too. The things I'm angry and upset and sometimes sad about aren't the things I thought I would be angry and upset and sometimes sad about. I'm learning so much about myself, and a lot of it is, for a lack of a better word, fascinating. Is this really the person I am? How long has this been going on? And why am I just now figuring it out?

But as I looked around my destroyed kitchen and checked out all the crappy food that I was going to be feeding my children because I don't have time to make them anything decent, as I thought about how I was going to have to depend on them to keep themselves safe when they are left to their own devices, as I thought of days and days of work ahead of me, I just felt defeated.

And that's so not a nice feeling.


Stacie said...

Boy, I can totally relate to this post. Hang in there, RC. I know things will get better for both of us...they have to!

Carolyn said...

Oh dear. Should I swing by your work tomorrow and bust a cap in the ass of that Vicodin junkie?

I don't live close by, but I'll come if you need me.

ciara said...

((((r.c.)))))it may get a little worse before it gets better, but the fact is it DOES get better. takes time, but you'll see. you'll also come out of this stronger and better person. you'll know what is and isn't right for you...what you want and don't want out of life, relationships, etc. just hang in there. xo

Maggie May said...

I admire the way you are really at grips with your life & take what comes, I really do!
You will come out of this phase and the kids will learn. Couldn't you say, no friends until you are back? Or would they not listen to that & just get on with doing what they want?

Metaphorical Sweet Wood Irene said...

That's really tough, RC. I don't know how to settle your unquiet mind with any soothing words. it's just a real shitty situation. It definitely is not a fair situation, but then someone will say that life is not fair. I think you should rant on this blog more often. You don't have to give the appearance of being so perfect all the time. You are only human like the rest of us. And we love you, by the way!

-Ann said...

Ouch. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough go of it. I'm sure it will get better, even though it's hard to see that right now.

softinthehead said...

We've all had moments like that, when you totally lose it and behave like a raving maniac but usually these feelings are better out than in so don't beat yourself up.

laurie said...

well, dear, of COURSE you're angry. duh. your whole life has been turned upside down, inside out, and given a good shake, to boot.

you're still you, though. still the funny tough strong sarcastic quick-to-laugh amusingly quick witted intelligent woman you have always been.

you just have a on of stresses right now, and teenage boys being teenage boys, they are incapable of suddenly turning into Gallants when all their lives they've been adorable and aggravating Goofuses.

try not working six days straight. five days is bad enough.

try figuring out a rotating system of chores. (and if they don't do 'em perfect, oh well.)

try figuring out a balance between wonderful homemade meals, and quick crap.

you're doing great. you are. we can tell.

Eileen said...

How can you not have that feeling building inside you? Your human, you are going through one of life's MAJOR stressors...a HUGE loss (it really is almost like a grieving process for a marriage), you are on a single mom ....trying to do it all....give yourself a break. You are on overload! What advice would you give your very best friend in the same situation? To find ways to start putting yourself first and taking care of you. I know, sounds impossible, but it is the only way.
Sending lots and lots of love.

Rudee said...

Working 6 days in this business is brutal. If it were all just physical labor with no thinking involved, it would be simple enough. It's a mental, physical and emotional business though and it takes a toll. Couple that with major life stressors and most people would find themselves overwhelmed. (you know this.) Now put that together with your personal life and you are a non-stop caregiver. That is too much to have on one plate.

When will you write that book if you're all work and no play? Make time for yourself-it'll help.

Iota said...

As everyone says, you are on overload. You are also one of life's copers, so you will get through. I'm sorry - rubbish comment. What I'm trying to say is, we all believe in you, and are watching out for you, in our useless long-distance virtual bloggy way.

Kaycie said...

Sweetheart, I know where you are. I've been there. It's hell, but it passes. And you and the boys will be stronger when it's over. I promise.

If you need something, let me know. I'm not so far away.

Hang in there.

PixelPi said...

If only I could share the stories of my teen nephews and the crap and sorrow they caused their mother, who works about 6 days a week. She would certainly agree with you that it sucks on top of everything else you have hanging over your head.

You need a day at a spa, with mud and cucumbers and pedicures, while someone else deals with your kids.

And BTW, the "no friends in the house if I'm not home" sounds like a good idea. And a call to the 7-inch taller's mother is also in order.

Sending you virtual hugs and virtual homemade fudge (which you may NOT share at work and must hide from your kids). Big hug. You're doing great.

Jo Beaufoix said...

I think it's all been said RC, so hugs, and remember this week will end. x

Kaytabug said...

I just wish I lived close enough to bring over a bunch of frozen pre-made meals that are just stuck in the oven from the freezer.
You are so honest. I hope the week gets better. HUGS to you hon'.

CrazyCath said...

It's been a while since I been here - boy! You have some stress!

I was forced to read the previous post out of curiosity too. Hold on to that feeling of workmates looking out for you...

Down, but definitely not out.

the planet of janet said...

repeat after me:

this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass ...


Swearing Mother said...

Hell RC, you're having a tough time right now.

Hope things ease up soon.


ExpatKat said...

Hey RC I really admire your grit! You're doing great for a woman whose life just did a total turn around.
Give the kids some serious chores to do before you get home every day, throw some ovenbaked potatoes in the oven and take a long hot soak in the bath! You deserve it!