Thursday, October 9, 2008

please, mister, please


A whole lot of years ago, on the same night that most of America was tuned in to finally find out who killed Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks, I heard my husband tell me for the first time that he didn't think he loved me anymore, that he wasn't sure, as a matter of fact, that he'd ever loved me. A whole lot of work later, a whole bunch of counseling under the bridge, a whole new perspective on his part, we put our marriage back together and began moving forward.


I don't think I would have had three children with him if I hadn't thought I was completely over that period of time, don't think I would have donated twenty years of my life to the cause, didn't think that the scars would run this deep.


But I'm finding out that they do. There are a lot of episodes in our marriage that will always cause me angst, always make me wonder what the hell we were thinking, but in hindsight this will forever be the one that sticks out the most. Because I think on some level I've always been angry at myself for not seeing it coming, angry at him for doing it, and, in the past year, even angrier to be going through it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...


No woman should have to listen to the same man telling her twice in one lifetime that he doesn't love her anymore. Twice in one blow-out argument would be bad enough, but those are hard words to hear. And hearing them more than once doesn't make it any easier. Quite the opposite.


This all spun through my head a week or two ago, and was triggered by something I saw on Yahoo! of all places. It was an article about how people going through a divorce are very often at different stages in the grieving process, because the one who wants out has been thinking about it for so long. Since this was pretty much our story, it caught my eye. The line that skewered my heart went something like this: "You know all those nights when I was laying wide awake and told you that I just couldn't sleep? I was really thinking about how much I hate you."


I'm as ready as I can be for this divorce to be final, but I'm fully expecting to feel a kick in the head when I actually see it in writing, or, as I've recently thought about it "on my permanent record". Much like herpes (and thanks for that visual, laurie), it will always be there. You can run through a long string of boyfriends and no one can prove it, but a legal ex is a whole other story. It will never go away entirely. We will always have kids. We will have graduations and weddings and grandchildren. We will always, on some level, be intertwined. I'm okay - more than okay actually - about us not being together. There is no hope of a reconciliation. We're both way beyond that. And it's better this way. I think we get along a lot better in small doses.


And we're getting along quite well. Really almost too smoothly. He's certainly stepped up to the plate as far as kids and money and just general kindness. I guess we'll see what happens when it's final. I'm cynical enough to think that a lot may come to light once he thinks I can't get back at him or make his life miserable. It would be nice to be wrong. But I'm not putting any money on it.


All of this has kind of been crashing in on me in the last few weeks, as I've hoped every day that I would come home to something legal and definitive in the mail. I'll be a lot better when it's done, but for now I'm jumping out of my skin. How I can be so stressed about something that I think is ultimately- and already - the right thing is beyond me. But until it's done...I'll keep stressing.


Just sign the paperwork, Mr. Nice Sweet Judge. I'd like to take back that whoop-ass comment.


Please?

15 comments:

Kaycie said...

It took 2 1/2 years for me to get the divorce after I filed. My ex began behaving like an ass about the divorce the second I said, "no, I think I need a lawyer". I wore a red suit to the court house the day the decree was signed. Unlike Laurie, it never bothered me that day. Or since. I'd been divorced for a long time in my head and in my heart.

I bet the only thing you'll feel when that paper comes is relief that it's finally over. Hurry up, Your Honor. RC's tired of waiting.

WT said...

Well shit, what can I say?

Rudee said...

I need a drink. And a hankie. I'm sorry. I hope for you that like me, you find that it hurts less than expected.

ped crossing said...

Waiting is the worst. Maybe tomorrow.

Maggie May said...

Everyone likes to feel they have closure and I think that is is most unfair to keep you waiting.
hope it isn't for too long.

-Ann said...

Hope you don't have to wait too long and that it's not an overwhelming experience when it finally happens.

Rose said...

Having been there, I feel for you. Everyone does go through different stages. The one time we were in court together trying to finalize an agreement, I ended up crying uncontrollably. But the day the judge read the final decree, I felt totally surrounded by peace and love (he wasn't there). And then it still took another month or two to get the copy of the final decree. Divorce sucks no matter if you were blindsided or if you were the one who wanted out. I have lived with a lot of guilt because I was the one who left, but trust me, it wasn't done lightly or pain free. We went through 3 marriage counselors over a period of 8 years to get there and after the last two both asked me what was keeping me in the marriage, asking me why I would stay, I realized I finally had permission to leave. And then everyone in both families painted me as the "bad guy" because I couldn't suck it up any longer.
I wish you peace, for it will come, and a new, lovely life.

Jo Beaufoix said...

You've given each other 20 years of your life, so I suppose there's bound to be some regrets, and change is blumming scary at the best of times. You're doing great but I hope it comes soon so you can move on and get past the worries about whether he'll change again. Take care.

aims said...

Hang in there girl. You can do it. And don't let him know that under your very strong front lies something completely different.

You're going to be okay. Really.

Akelamalu said...

I've never been through this so there's no point in me saying I know what you're going through.

I just hope it's a relief when it happens and there's no skeletons jumping out of cupboards. x

Frances said...

Waiting is bad. I can't say don't be anxious when you already are.
Expect to have the worst reaction and then you may be pleasantly surprised when it happens.
keeping everything crossed that you just feel relief when that envelope arrives.

Tiggerlane said...

My husband (who has TWO ex-wives) said that divorce was more difficult than going thru a death - b/c there is NO finality...you have to see that person, like you said...for shared things with the kids.

Hang in there, Girl...you are tough. If you're a nurse? You DEFINE tough.

It is amazing that you are sharing all this with us. Hope it is cathartic.

Devon said...

Oh great, my DH has had insomnia lately!

I'm thinking of you and hope you remember that the choices people make have a lot more to do with them than those around them.

My dad has had multiple marriages, some of the women I just loved! He is just unable to connect well with what he has and it is sad for him. It in no way diminishes the women he left... other than pissing them off initially!

CrazyCath said...

Still not signed>

You need it so much to move on. It's a signature. Sign it Mr. Judge, please.

(Is that you in the picture? Whoever it is, she is beautiful.)

Irene said...

I was looking forward anxiously to mine and then the day the decree came in the mail, I was really sad. It was so final and really the end of a large important episode in my life. Don't underestimate what it can do to you, in a wily way. I'm okay now, but those first few days...