Monday, May 18, 2009

add as friend


Ah, the internet. Can't live without it, but it sure can make things interesting sometimes.


I now have two people that I'm close to who are both leaving their husbands for someone from their past that they've reconnected with on Facebook. Neither one of them were in untroubled marriages, neither one of them felt loved, or desired, or even appreciated. But, for the sake of the kids - seven between them - they stuck it out, marked time with a man they no longer wanted to be with, told themselves that dreaming of a better future was pointless.


Until...


Enter Prince Charming. Complete with white horse and escape route. Someone who knew (and even loved) them in a simpler time, before kids and stretch marks and money woes and career setbacks and husbands who were woefully deficient in...well, everything. Someone who loved them before life stomped the optimism out of them, and are able, with a word or a recalled story to take them straight back to that happier time.


Pretty tempting, no?


I'd be lying if I said I was never tempted by someone else in my marriage. To be perfectly honest, I spent most of my marriage tempted by other people, although I never gave in to that temptation. I always thought I was a terrible person, until the marriage counselor we saw put it in perspective. With a marriage as disconnected as yours, he said, I'd be more surprised if you weren't tempted by everyone who walked by. When your marriage isn't firing on even a single cylinder, you need a pretty active fantasy life just to get through the day. And while I get that wholeheartedly, I still think that the chasm between a fantasy life and actually picking up and leaving for that fantasy is huge.


One of these women is a really good friend and one is someone I love dearly. I want this to work out for them, want it to be everything they want it to be. One of them (the really good friend) left when the "fantasy" relationship became physical, and unfortunately for her when she asked my opinion on this she got it. (It's a good thing she loves me for my honesty. Too bad we can't say the same thing for my tact.) The other one (the one I love dearly) is trying to do the right thing and leave before anything actually "happens", but she's still got a really hard road ahead of her.



I'm all about the fantasy thing, and I do believe in lasting love, do believe in soul mates, am finally beginning to believe in happily ever after again.



But I'd be lying if I said this whole thing didn't make me really nervous.

16 comments:

LFG said...

Time will tell if they made the right move. Get back to us on this in ten years. :) Ever see "Little Children" ? Such a tough subject to advise someone on. I guess that all you can do is be sure that they are looking at the whole picture and not just a "this will cure all that ails" fantasy. Easy for all of us to desire the quick fix.

Rudee said...

I'm curious why they didn't end up with these people in the first place. If the grass had really been greener, I would think they wouldn't have settled for less in the first place. Like LFG, I'd be interested to see how it all turns out.

As for a rich fantasy life, you can give that up when you're pulse-less. How dull life would be without one.

Frances said...

Hmmm - I do agree with Rudee and LFG.

I have a friend of a friend who started out with an old flame through Friends Reunited and has now pretty much destroyed her whole life.

The old flame didn't work out and she has gone kind of nuts - sacrificing her kids' well-being for a series of weird relationships - long and miserable tale.
Hope it works out for your friends.

auntiegwen said...

I don't do facebook, maybe that's why I'm single ??

Thumbelina said...

It would make me nervous too. You are a very strong woman with very strong principles and you are so good at standing by them.
I am the same - your comment about your honesty and not so much tact is so me. I have lost friendships on the way because of that, but there are many (true) friends that can overlook my faults and take the good from my positive points.

Facebook makes me very uncomfortable. I hope your friend and the one you love really find what they are looking for. I truly hope their fantasies are all they hoped they would be.

I agree with your other commenters - but auntiegwen I would say you don't need facebook to find a relationship. :)

Aoj and The Hounds said...

I think it is very easy to be tempted away from an unhappy marriage fullstop. The internet just puts so much more temptation in the way.

Whether these new relationships work out or not is, in some ways, irrelevant. What I see from this is that these two women have found the strength to get themselves out of an unhappy situation and find a new life for themselves. Strength that they might not otherwise have found. No-one deserves to live their lives in mediocrity or to be forever stuck in an unhappy relationship.

The fact that they found this strength through the medium of cyberspace is really just a sign of the times. Ten years ago it might just have easily have been a class re-union. Would a class reunion have made you equally nervous?

The Gossamer Woman said...

After my divorce, I married my childhood boyfriend and soon remembered why I kept splitting up with him when we were younger. He was no Prince Charming on a white horse. He was just an ordinary man who came with hos own set of instructions that I had to figure out and in the end we split up and it's the best thing I ever did. We didn't belong together, just like we didn't back then. There was a reason why I always split up with him. I should have heeded the warning before I gave my yes word, but foolishly stumbled ahead. My advice is, don't do it, people, you may come to regret it very much.

Marti said...

I personally am not one to look back to find my future. The past is always part of my shadow that makes up me, but I would never want to travel the same road twice.

I agree with GM that there was a reason you didn't continue to date someone.

I wish them luck...

Katy said...

If they are really unhappy than a divorce might be the best thing for them. Leave the crappy marriage and then take the time to get to know yourself again before you start anything new.

Also, I just think relationship hopping isn't fair to the kids.

Akelamalu said...

I hope it works out for your friends. It always worries me though that in breakups someone invariably gets hurt. :(

Tians.sis said...

Oh my,these ladies are just about to enter the "twilight zone", by that I mean they are going to see a whole new world and chances are it won't be a good one. They have no idea about the new set of problems they are facing especially when there are children involved,As you know I have been there and done that.There are no knights in shining armor.I believe there ladies are letting their hormones rule them at the moment.But those leave too.Then what? Everyones life is messed up.I hope they see the light before it's to late.They are only jumping from the pan to the fire.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Even the thought of this scares me. It's not that I don't want anybody else, but to jump from one relationship to another is pretty scary. I hope both your friends are ok and manage to look after themselves and their kids during this, and I hope they get their happy ending. x

Devon said...

I read somewhere that for every prince charming there is a woman who can't stand his shit anylonger!

LFG said...

Devon = way funny.

Iota said...

I'd be nervous. We were all young and beautiful once. Doesn't mean we can be again.

Kila said...

Wow, I can so relate to these women.

I'm still in the dead marriage. Afraid doing otherwise would only make things worse for the kids. But I'll always wonder.