Monday, May 11, 2009

just keep my cup full


I've realized this weekend that I should trade in my Registered Nursing license for a Certified Drunk Man's Negotiator certificate. All weekend long, but most particularly in the early morning hours of my shifts, I've dealt with the drunk, stupid and unlucky crowd. The fact that this happens in the morning, before I'm fully caffeinated, is a very bad thing.


This came home full force when one of my patients threw enough of a hissy fit to go smoke that I finally ended up walking across the street with him so he could puff away outside of the "no smoke zone". I'm tall, but he had at least 6 inches and a hundred pounds on me, and as he regaled me with stories of doing prison time for assault and battery, I realized to my horror that I had led him to the wrong spot and that I was totally off the security surveillance camera radar. I couldn't get him to move, so I rationalized. Oh, well, thought I, at least I'm by the ambulance bay, and if he tries anything one of the rigs coming in will see it. Or a cop. The cop cars come the exact same way. But no. Not a squad car or ambulance in sight. The television image of the cop/nurse/medic alliance actually has a hell of a lot of truth to it, and I knew that someone would save my butt if necessary. Only problem was that there was no one there to even see my butt in the event it should need saving.


My drunk and huge guy finally finished his cigarettes and agreed to go back into the unit. And I don't know if the combination of alcohol and nicotine finally caught up with him or what, but he then proceeded to proposition every single woman he saw until I finally got him shipped out to where he needed to go. Called them "hot" and "honey" and asked them if they'd "like a piece of this". He leered and carried on over every female in range. Except me. Me he called ma'am and then shook my hand to thank me as he left.


At the time I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be flattered or insulted. Actually, I'm still not sure. It's a rough thing when even a drunk and indiscriminate guy doesn't hit on you. Especially when he just propostioned the male lab tech with the long hair and shapely behind. (And little did he know that that just might have been his best chance at some action all day.)


Oh, well. At least he kept his pants on, unlike my first patient of his ilk. And he never asked me to check out his "hidden tattoo" either. Thank god. There was nowhere near enough coffee in my system for that.


Weekends are interesting. Holiday weekends are even more so. Some days there just isn't enough caffeine in the world.

14 comments:

Frances said...

He probably didn't proposition you because you seemed so in control he thought you were his Mom. LOL. Eew hidden tattoo, eh?
drunken smelly and hidden tattoo, what more could a gal ask for?
xxx

Maggie May said...

I expect he thought you were helping him too much to insult you. He revered you RC, from afar!
The thought of that hidden tattoo.... yuk. Bet he hadn't thought to have a wash for weeks! Sounds like every girls dream/nightmare take your pick!
You do have fun at work! BTW.... the word *fun* in Japanese means *shit*..... so maybe his idea of fun is not far off the mark!

Thumbelina said...

Oh my goodness it brings it aaaaalllll back. With a punch. Who needs caffeine when you can stand in a hidden doorway, off camera, with a known drunk / druggie woman beaterand no one in sight?
Adrenalin on tap. ;0)

The Gossamer Woman said...

You've got one hell of a job, RC. I don't know if I would have the patience and the diplomacy that you have to carry it off. You sure know how to get yourself out of a pickle. You could have been molested on the spot. You must have a huge amount of authority.

Flutterby said...

Are you sure you wanted to shake his hand when he left? Well, maybe the alternative wouldn't have been good.

Cheryl said...

Gotta love our jobs! Still waiting for your book....it would be a best seller!
XXXX

Amy said...

Looks like he knew what he was doing pretty well, actually. Nurses are not to be messed with.

Rudee said...

Forget the caffeine, there isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you say yes to the likes of him.

I always wondered why in ER we had staff accompany patients outdoors to smoke. It's not like it's a prison-at least not for them ;-]

Why do they always want to show us their private tattoos?

Tiggerlane said...

One of the best stories my husband ever told of the ER involved a man whose tattoo said "Your Name Here," and it was on the dude's penis.

Akelamalu said...

Ah he respected you! ;)

ped crossing said...

I'll take my germ factory over yours anyday! The stories are tamer, but it's safer. Pass the barf bucket, we are in need of an extra.

Mimi said...

You're one brave lady! mimi

Devon said...

R*E*S*P*E*C*T RC, that explains the handshake in lockdown etiquette. Frankly I'd take that over "..a little of this" any day!

Happy Mom's day to you!

sistawhodownunder said...

I once had a rather toxic patient who had been triaged by one of the younger, rather beautiful nurses and was sent to my area. When I introduced myself as his nurse he asked if he could have the cute young one insted. I should mention I am overweight, over 50 and certainly no oil painting. Well I realise that he was drunk but it did very little for my self-esteem.