Friday, June 19, 2009

on track


Sometimes you understand that you're turning the corner as you actually do it. And then there are times when you're a mile down the road and you realize that you don't even remember turning the corner. It's just nowhere to be seen in your rear view mirror - not that you're really looking anyway. The road ahead looks much more interesting.


And that's where I'm at. Where I've been for the last several months, as a matter of fact. The last post-marital blow up was, indeed, the final straw, solidified the end of May by one last typical FX trick - a trick that didn't even get a rise out of me, so little did I care. May I take this opportunity to say how thrilled I am that the only reaction these things bring out in me anymore is the sort of bemused detachment that one might feel watching The Jerry Springer Show? I'm even more thrilled that I'm seated in the audience and not sitting center stage. Those lights are hot and they always make my mascara run.


My counseling session tonight was just a little on the brutal side, and the themes that came up aren't new at all. What is new is that I'm finally ready to do something about them - have, actually been doing something about them. This is the Summer of the Shrinking Comfort Zone, and, rather that kick and scream as I have before, I'm biting the bullet and just doing it. All my kicking and screaming in the past haven't changed a damn thing, so why not just shut up and get on with it?


One kid gone for a month.


Another leaving tomorrow for the first of two trips.


My relatively new realization that sitting at home on the nights the kids aren't here isn't the best idea. So, kicking and screaming, I've stepped outside of my box, forced myself to engage,even during times the kids are here. I've gone past the point where hiding from the world is helping me, and finally get that I need to bust out.


Last weekend was a perfect example. Multiple things stacked on Friday night. Ran like crazy Saturday with out of town friends. A beer driven bitch bash straight out of a chick flick Saturday night. Of course on Sunday I collapsed, but at least I got out into the world and made nice.


It may not be obvious to everyone that I've turned that corner. But it sure is to me.

14 comments:

Frances said...

Yay you - Very clear.

The last blow-out, there was a bit of crap still in there and you cleared it out the system.

Go for it and don't be scared. Just have a good time.

You can be happy just being you. Don't get rid of all the angst though, we need laughs as well...
lol
hugs

Aoj and The Hounds said...

Brilliant! I'm so pleased for you RC!

Maggie May said...

I think it is obvious that you've turned the corner! I am pleased about that.
One cannot go on with hurting forever (as I have found out myself) It is great to realize when you are a spectator & not part of it.
Good for you!

Thumbelina said...

Well it's YOU that needs to know! Hang everybody else. Who cares if they know? As long as you do.
And you do something about it.
Which you are.

As Frances says - Yay you. Loud and clear! (((hug)))

lv4921391 said...

sounds like it's starting to be a great summer...have fun RC...

Mya said...

Hooray!

Mya xxx

aims said...

I is very obvious. As soon as you made that declaration that you didn't care anymore about the FX and his antics - it was crystal clear.

Cheering from way up here! You go girl!

my two cents said...

That corner you turned is heading west, right? See you next month!!!

Cheryl said...

You GO! Stay on this track, it will lead to fun and good things.
XXXXX

Expat mum said...

Beer driven bitch bash - I love it!

The Gossamer Woman said...

Good for you girl and good for you for telling us. It's okay to remind us that you've come a long way. We both have come a long way and I am equally proud of the both of us. We're pretty darn good tough broads.

Kila said...

Proud of you.

Southern Drawl said...

I'm so happy for you!

family affairs said...

An anon blogger on my post put me in touch with you regarding my post last week called "Should I come out from behind the screen?" because you've been through a similar public/private debate - but I can't find the post you did about it - you're in a similar place re kids etc to me so would love to read it....can you pop over and let me know please? Thx Lx