Monday, June 18, 2007

The Fun Never Stops

Aaah, yes, the annual exam. The highlight of any woman's year, the opportunity to renew acquaintance with instruments that could have been designed by the Marquis de Sade. How many of us write that appointment down on our calendars and look forward with anticipation to the day? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

You'd think with three kids I'd be over it, but it still isn't on my list of fun ways to spend a morning. Surely I'm not alone in this, am I? I'm constantly amazed at work by the women who continue chatting on their cell phones or with their boyfriends while we're doing a pelvic exam. I've even, so help me, heard them tell the doctor they were cute during the procedure. Eewww. He was cute, if you go for the Doogie Howser type, but still. Eewww. We ask the family to step out and the patient says "Oh, they can stay, they aren't going to bother me." Tell them you need to put in a catheter? No problem, just push mom out of the way and hand them the new copy of People. Five minutes after we're finished they ask if we're done yet. It's a nice little lack of attention to detail that I wish I had. Suffice it to say I don't.

The whole process is just icky, no matter how hard anyone tries to make it nicer. Yeah, okay, there's a cute kitten poster on the ceiling telling me to "Hang in There", but by the time I'm staring at the poster my brain is already going haywire. It's a bunch of factors. The whole prep thing, for instance. I don't have to shave my legs to go to the dentist. Then there's my fear of "routine procedures" to haunt me. I'm not a fan of routine procedures, having seen them go off-course more than once. Of course we have to factor in that I'm a world class hypochondriac. I'm always convinced they're going to find something wrong, ranging from a third ovary to erectile dysfunction. Vegas could book odds on me.

Well, I'm off. Gotta get this done so I can start looking forward to the mammogram.


Jen said...

I wish I could be as blase about a speculum as some other women seem to be. Worst thing ever, I was pregnant, and spotting. My own OBGYN was retaking her boards, and I got a fill-in. He was humming "Thanks for the Memories" during the entire exam. Good luck with the Torture Machine, aka mammogram. *shudder*

Anonymous said...

"Erectile dysfunction"?? RC is there something you should be telling us?...Or you physician for that matter!" Good luck with the'll breeze through it!

Happy in the Abyss said...

AHH...blissful wonder that is a pelvic. I actually don't fear them anymore.

However, my first Mammogram is set for July 10th....I will call you after the squashing!