Saturday, February 14, 2009

what a difference a year makes

Valentine's Day has never really been my holiday, so it wasn't exactly something that could be totally ruined for me. Even so, last year was a doozy. That was the day I was pushed so far in our "marriage" counseling session that I threw in the towel and said I wanted a divorce. It took me a few hours to calm down and remember the promise I had made to myself - that if the FX wanted out that badly, he'd have to be the one to man up and do it. I wouldn't do it for him. And I didn't.

So when he chose today to tell me that he's been seeing someone for the last few months, it didn't come as any kind of surprise. Truth to tell, I'd have thought it would've happened a lot sooner. He's a man with a strong need for an audience, and it was pretty clear that he'd keep looking until he found one. I wish him luck, and hope that this past year has been as incredible a growing experience for him as it has for me. At the very least, I hope he's been able to clearly see the negative and destructive behaviors that he brought to the table in our relationship, since if you can't see something you're far more likely to repeat it. I've spent the last year being introspective in spite of the pain it caused, and would like to think I'm on solid ground with this train of thought.

But even thought I knew this announcement was coming, I still spent the rest of the day waiting for the sucker punch feeling to my belly that I somehow felt should happen. The feeling of loss. The feeling of jealousy. The feeling of betrayal. All the things I felt I should feel, based on what I have no idea. Aren't those feelings the norm?

Um. Evidently not. Or maybe I'm not normal. Who knows? All I know is that this has caused not the tiniest ripple in my calm, not upset my emotional boat in the slightest. My mood is virtually unchanged from the last several months - I feel almost giddy with anticipation of the future, and don't think I've ever been this mellow in my entire life.

Damn. Maybe Celine Dion was on to something after all.


Rudee said...

Sounds like you've done a lot of healing over the past year. You deserve the peace and happiness. I'm glad you're not distraught over these changes. You've earned the right to feel no pain in that arena.

Frances said...

only truly dysfunctional people feel jealous about someone they don't want. You are well out of that strange pretence that happens towards the end of a dead marriage.
Been there, done that - once I realised my feelings had disappeared, I realised I hadn't had any for a long time, just hadn't admitted it to myself.

No regrets. You've moved on. YAY you!

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Even though I don't want the Exfactor any longer, I do admit to being a little bit jealous when I think of his Paramount. I don't know why this is, except that I can't accept that he likes someone better than me. Not for the sex, but for the rest. I think I just have a big ego and think that I always ought to be the most obvious choice, even when I don´t want to be.

Maggie May said...

Glad you weren't affected by his news. Brilliant healing.
Need to wonder how long it will be till SHE gets hurt. At least you escaped.

laurie said...


i just have to add, though--don't be too hard on yourself if it DOES hit you at some point. it still might. it doesn't mean anything, but feelings are feelings.

glad you're feeling good.

Swearing Mother said...

o pleased you are on such an even keel RC, good to read you again.

CrazyCath said...

It's called healing RC. Glad it's come at last. :)

CrazyCath said...

Sound advice from Laurie too. Hear hear.

Indigo said...

This post made me smile. You've obviously made a lot of head way since last Valentine's Day. The fact he waited until today to tell you he was seeing someone means he wanted to hurt, get a reaction out of you. You didn't give him one.

I hope you do something wonderous for yourself today dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

Rositta said...

I've never seen Titanic and truthfully I abhor Celine Dion, but the heart does go on. For some it takes longer though. Good luck...ciao

Devon said...

Gosh RC, that is very telling that you didn't have even a twinge in the belly that your former hubby has moved on in such a physical and emotional way.

You, too, have moved on and realize that the future can hold many wonderful experiences!

Congratulations... and Happy Valentines Day!

auntiegwen said...

I had a very similar length marriage and 3 kids and even similar ending. My ex found someone uber quickly and I too waited for the rage but it never arrived, nearly 3 years later he now lives with her and I have never felt jealous about it. I think it shows that I've moved on mentally from him.