Valentine's Day has never really been my holiday, so it wasn't exactly something that could be totally ruined for me. Even so, last year was a doozy. That was the day I was pushed so far in our "marriage" counseling session that I threw in the towel and said I wanted a divorce. It took me a few hours to calm down and remember the promise I had made to myself - that if the FX wanted out that badly, he'd have to be the one to man up and do it. I wouldn't do it for him. And I didn't.
So when he chose today to tell me that he's been seeing someone for the last few months, it didn't come as any kind of surprise. Truth to tell, I'd have thought it would've happened a lot sooner. He's a man with a strong need for an audience, and it was pretty clear that he'd keep looking until he found one. I wish him luck, and hope that this past year has been as incredible a growing experience for him as it has for me. At the very least, I hope he's been able to clearly see the negative and destructive behaviors that he brought to the table in our relationship, since if you can't see something you're far more likely to repeat it. I've spent the last year being introspective in spite of the pain it caused, and would like to think I'm on solid ground with this train of thought.
But even thought I knew this announcement was coming, I still spent the rest of the day waiting for the sucker punch feeling to my belly that I somehow felt should happen. The feeling of loss. The feeling of jealousy. The feeling of betrayal. All the things I felt I should feel, based on what I have no idea. Aren't those feelings the norm?
Um. Evidently not. Or maybe I'm not normal. Who knows? All I know is that this has caused not the tiniest ripple in my calm, not upset my emotional boat in the slightest. My mood is virtually unchanged from the last several months - I feel almost giddy with anticipation of the future, and don't think I've ever been this mellow in my entire life.
Damn. Maybe Celine Dion was on to something after all.