Saturday, March 14, 2009

the Ah-Hah moment strikes again

I'm sick. I never get sick. And on the scale of positively rotten patients, I'm very near the top. Luckily I got one of the docs at work to write me a scrip for some antibiotics before it got too bad, so I think I'm on the downhill side of it. I hope so anyway. I'd forgotten how much I like being able to breathe. It's the small things in life that make it worthwhile.

I slept a fair amount today, which I think helped. I do some of my best thinking in those floaty moments in between being awake and asleep, and today was no exception. Then when I woke up I got to test out some of my thinking on my buddy Laurie, in a marathon country drive/bilateral vent session. Actually, to be fair I completely forgot to bring up the first one, so caught up were we in the other, but here you go anyway...

#1. I've finally realized (and totally seen the humor of) the irony of my being suddenly obsessed with running at the same time that my hormones have seemingly woken up with a vengeance from a twenty year siesta. Gee. You think there might be a connection? Can you spell S-U-B-L-I-M-A-T-E?? I guess until I feel ready to do something about it I'll just keep on running. I may need to invest in a sturdy pair of shoes.

#2. The one that completely negates #1. I can't do this and I've finally realized it. As you may have all guessed, something happened that kind of rocked my world...and not in a good way. This had nothing to do with me directly, but the nuances and big picture cut me to the core. So I'm reverting back to my long held theory about me and romantic love. I'm just not cut out for it. As much as I want desperately to have that deep connection with another human being, I'm too scared to give it a shot. I'm too scared to open myself up enough to even think about giving it a shot. It seems to me that very bad things happen when people love too much, so I am now officially removing myself from the game. Checkmate. The Queen has left the board.

I guess it's just as well that hot tax guy never called after all.


Rudee said...

You know, in my humble experience, love finds us when and where we least expect it.

distracted by shiny objects said...

That's just the bugs and the bug juice talking, RC.
So you're not ready to get involved yet. That's okay. Take yourself off the board and hang with some friends--MALE and female--you know like we tell our teenagers to do. I promise you, you'll end up meeting someone when you're ready. Until then, enjoy the time and the room you have. (and drink lots of fluid and get back to bed:>))

Devon said...

RC, you are overthinking it, lay off the cold medicine!!!!!

Maggie May said...

I think maybe something will happen one day...... naturally, when you least expect it.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

I can only add my agreement to the above comments and say yes, love will find you naturally when you are not looking for it.

laurie said...

you and your ah-ha moments.

utter nonsense.

any sweeping pronouncement about something as enormous and all-encompassing as "love" is going to be utter nonsense.

we'll all just stand here shuffling around and tapping our toes and looking up in the sky and waiting for you to regain your senses and, most likely, get a call from the hot tax guy...

we're used to your ABSOLUTES that get negated eventually by OTHER ABSOLUTES, you know.

Rose said...

It took me a few years to allow love back in. I think it's better to have some time between. I'm suspicious of people who jump from one to another too quickly; don't see how they figured things out so quickly, but maybe I'm just slow? Anyway, you've gotten some good advice already! Hope you feel better soon.

Kaycie said...

Pshaw. I swore off all men after my divorce. I've been happily married (for the second time) twelve years at the end of this month.

Just you wait.

aims said...

I'm just sitting here smiling.

You know - that smile that is sort of like a smirk - that smile that says - oh yeah been there done that - that sort of smile. That waiting patient smile - one that you give a friend who is being a goof.

david mcmahon said...

Look after yourself. And judge well the quality of those whom you let into your life.

Frances said...

I think David makes the most sensible comment possible.

When it is right it will work out smoothly and you won't have doubts. For you it has to be certain, otherwise you chew away at any little thing and drive yourself crazy.

Entertaining for us, though... LOL

Cath said...

And now you have stopped and removed yourself from the game, the playing will stop.

Go running. The rest will fall into place in time. Don't be too cool and make friends.

It is, after all, still very early days yet in the great scheme of things. There's years and decades of livin' to be done!

[Thank you for the lovely, kind comment over at mine.]

Cath said...

PS. Self psychology does not work.
Sublimation my backside.

the rotten correspondent said...

Well, I'm glad I'm amusing all of you. I do what I can to keep everyone entertained.

I feel like my hands are really tied at the moment, because the thing I'm so upset about is something that I absolutely cannot talk about - for lots of reasons. But nothing happened to me, or that involved me - not directly anyway. In short...I'm fine.

I'm not down on love so much as I'm really REALLY disappointed in the human nature of some people and the staggering narcissism of those who continue to believe that the world revolves around them and other people's pain is simply an inconvenience.

I know I'm talking in circles and I apologize. But it's not my story to tell. And yet...

They were taking volunteers at work today to come home early on call and I jumped on it. First time I've done it and it feels FABULOUS.

And this isn't about hot tax guy. It really isn't. And I'm not picking and clawing at the whole situation. It is what it is and I'm honestly not losing any sleep over it. I really do believe that what is going to happen WILL happen.

And of course I overthink things. Why else would any of you read this drek?

Mya said...

It's not drek! It's fabulous!
Keep on running, hon. That's where all the fit men are.

Hope you're feeling a little better too.

Mya x

Frances said...

Entertaining doesn't mean you're ridiculous, before you start thinking we are all laughing at you.
It means you are open and interesting and keep us entertained. So at one moment you have some hoping you will do something, others hoping you won't - people holding their breath - or not watching - others yelling "don't open that door!" and 'Look out' so it's addictive to us, sometimes to your detriment.
But basically, your readers love ya, gal and we are all rooting for you.
We want good things to happen for you and less crap to come your way. So keep telling us all about it.
And your good friends don't mind when there is stuff you can't discuss, you can just say you're hurting, tired, mad, or whatever and the affection will be coming at you from all over the place

Devon said...

Frances just said it well. Sweetie, we only want you to be happy.

We sit here with our pithy comments, but all of us have our vulnerability and humanity.

We're all in it together and wish you happiness with no judgement!

Anonymous said...

Don't run away from towards it and embrace it...bad things happen, true, but don't let a high temperature obscure the fact that there is more good in the world than bad...and that good things don't make the headlines.

Anonymous said...

As to your #1: there is something to be said about you, your mind, and a long stretch of road. Definitely some place I've found myself many a times to get a little bit of think time in . :)

As to your #2: I myself have many a times wanted to give up on this as well for the very same reason- fear. We've all been here (my most recent blog was just about this same topic)...but they do say love comes when we least expect it. Keep your chin up honey.


P.S. Found you through David.

Robynn's Ravings said...

CONGRATS on the POTD!! Found you through him.

Having been divorced, I too had given up on all things men. Then I went camping 23 years ago, by myself, and met my husband. It certainly hasn't been the yellow brick road (or maybe it has when you think about all that happened to them on the way! lol). But ya just never know what's around the corner.

Feel better, too. Everyone, including me, seems to have this rotten crud. And I, like you, REALLY enjoy breathing. It simply isn't appreciated enough! Blessings!

Sandi McBride said...

Ah, what Rudee said! And said well!
Congrats on Post of the Day comment from David!