Friday, March 6, 2009

notes to the teacher


Dear High School Attendance Officer,

Thank you for your concern regarding Sasquatch and his tardiness issues. Despite the faint note of disbelief in your voice when you called me, I am well aware of the situation and am taking measures at home to ensure that he makes it to first period on time from here on out.


The first thing I have to do is buy a new dryer.


For reasons unknown to me, the child insists on starting a load of his laundry every school night at approximately 11 pm. Then, since he is falling asleep on his feet, he sets two alarms to wake him up early enough to put his clothes in the dryer before school. In the morning, he proceeds to sleep through both alarms, only waking up when I go into his room to ask why he isn't out of bed yet. If he is unable to talk me into going downstairs to put his clothes in the dryer, he drags himself out of bed and does it himself, grumbling loudly under his breath about uncooperative parents.


This is inevitably followed fifteen minutes later by the announcement that he is going to miss his bus because his clothes are still wet, followed immediately by him spewing abuse on the dryer for taking longer than a quarter of an hour to dry a "full load" - aka a pair of cargo pants, a pair of boxers and a t-shirt.


Just so you know how seriously I take these attendance issues, I thought you might like to follow along on a typical exchange.


Mom: Why can't you wear something else?
Sasquatch: Because these are the clothes I want to wear.


Mom: Why do you always wait so late to wash your clothes?
Sasquatch: It's okay, Mom. Don't worry about it.


Mom: Have you not figured out yet that this isn't working the way you want it to?
Sasquatch: Stupid dryer. It doesn't work. And stupid alarms. They never go off the way they're supposed to.


Mom: Your alarms went off fine. They woke up everyone in the house but you.
Sasquatch: No, they didn't. I would have heard them.


Repeat on a daily basis until one of you cracks.


I'm very sorry to involve you in our nightmare. Look at the bright side. The end of the school year is only two and a half months away.


I'm sure I'll be hearing from you again before then.


Sincerely,

Sasquatch's Mom

16 comments:

ped crossing said...

My brother used to sleep through his alarms. They would wake me up at around 5 am. One morning I snapped and beat him with a shoe, a pump, until he woke up. It didn't solve the problem, but I felt better. Feel free to see if this method is more successful for you.

my two cents said...

It doesn't really matter whether it is you, the uncooperative parent, or he who puts the clothes in the dryer in the morning they still won't be dry! Good luck!

Devon said...

My daughter is 12 going on 24. This evening we argued about her school field trip to go skiing tomorrow. She wants to wear a thin zip up hoodie because it is cute. It is only going to be about 35 degrees tomorrow and she swears she will be warm enough.

I told her I don't want her complaining and hanging about the lodge all day because she is cold. She then turned the argument around and yelled that if she didn't want to ski all day then she would go to the lodge when she wanted to.

God, I don't know how this is relevent to your post, but I'm just pissed and needed to vent.

Thank you, I truly feel your pain!

Rudee said...

Sounds familiar.

Maggie May said...

he sounds a typical kid of that age!
brilliant that he takes an interest in washing though! hang on to that.

Cath said...

I read this out to husband because this was SO the Firstborn when he was 15. True. It was . It passes... eventually.

softinthehead said...

The arguing skills of a teenager are truly magnificent - you would think they were all destined to become lawyers.....then they grow up - thank goodness. Thanks for the trip down memory lane LOL :)

Flutterby said...

Just think about this exchange when you are running the 5K race. It will adrenaline galore to your stride. You will finish way ahead of the pack. Guaranteed!

Flutterby said...

Slight correction to my comment: It will ADD adrenaline galore...." Sometimes previews don't catch errors.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Hey, you should be proud that he knows where the washer and dryer are and how to use them. You're doing a great job just teaching him that.

Indigo said...

I don't suppose the logic of washing more than one set of clothes at a time has occured to him...umm wait...he's a teenager, nope not a possibility. (Hugs)Indigo

lv4921391 said...

IMHO as a father and former teacher 11 p.m. is way to late to be up on a school nite...friday, saturday ok ...that "total transformation " program might be a solution...or a steel corrugated trash can and a night stick or glass coke bottle rolled around the inside at 5 a.m. could work...

distracted by shiny objects said...

Please let me know if this works. I was thinking of showing the scene in a diorama.

Iota said...

I love the way (and hate the way) kids don't take responsibility for their actions. One of ours has perfected the art of conversing with only passive verbs. "My soccer cleats haven't been put away, so I can't find them." "My homework hasn't been done." He even told me his clothes were strewn about the bathroom floor, and when I asked who had strewn them there, he replied "they strewed themselves".

You have to laugh, or else you'd cry.

Kila said...

Haha

I'm just impressed that he does his own laundry :)

JoAnne said...

Oh.My.God.

The laundry exchange is repeated in my own home daily. As is the hour spent attempting to get my own teen (a girl, here) out of bed - an hour, I might add, that is an hour earlier than I need to be up myself.

And I hate very little as much as I hate the dismissive 'It's fine, Mom. It will be ok.'

Loving you. Just found you tonight and cramming archives into my brain as fast as I can manage it.