Saturday, March 29, 2008

men and boys



Everything I know about men I've learned from my boys.



All the good and bad and confusing and touching and ridiculous things that men do...start young. Very young. When they're itty bitty boys, as a matter of fact. And from my ringside seat I'm going to look at this phenomena from time to time and let you all have the benefit of my years in Testosterone Town. Because if I can't laugh at it in some way, I may as well put my mommy card on eBay. The trick is to (somehow) keep laughing.


Today, let's talk about competition. God knows everyone else in my house does.


Surfer Dude and Gumby have both been sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night lately, so that when I wake up, clinging to the edge for dear life, they've taken over the entire California King bed. The other morning, when this happened, I woke up before either one of them, pinned between two boys and three dogs. I looked at my clock and realized that Sasquatch should have already gotten up, so I called out to him to make sure that he was out of bed. Of course he wasn't, so I yelled (louder) that he was late and he needed to get a move on. (And the verdict is...rub a lamp and write yet another Friday detention on the calendar).


My yelling woke up the other two and without missing a beat Gumby said to SD


I've been awake since 7. What about you?


and SD smugly said


I've been awake since 6:45. I win.


I said


I just woke both of you up and you know it. Why does everything have to be a competition?


And do you know what the answer I got was?


Oh, mom. (Underlying meaning? You're such a girl).



I had just dozed off again, when there was a loud noise underneath the blankets that sounded suspiciously fart like.


SD chuckled proudly.


Almost immediately there was another, considerably louder and far more pungent noise erupting from their vicinity. I threw back the covers and jumped out of bed, as my intestinally challenged dog looked on in professional envy, and Gumby said


Ha. I win.

30 comments:

CrazyCath said...

Hi - I came over from Jackie's and I want to know

why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why

haven't I been here before? Duh!

This is a fantastic read! You write in a very similar style to Mother's Pride (or she writes in a similar style to yours) and you are really good! Not least because every word of that is true. I know. I live with [whispers] boys too! Sometimes it can be gross. ;0)

PinkAcorn said...

It's always a tune from one end or the other...My three boys are outta the house and as an empty nester all I can say is I don't miss the aromas one bit. (But I really miss my boys).

Renae said...

This is so funny, and so true! I understand my husband soooooo much better, now that I have a miniature, 6 year old version of him around the house.

Renae

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh my RC, you nailed it. I have daughters but I was raised with 4 brothers and it is a completely different PLANET. Everything has to do with orifice competitions for years and years.
XO
WWW

Sandy said...

It's pretty bad when you can make the dog jealous!

ciara said...

lmao...most boys/men are naturally competitive. my son never was, but then again, he was raised mostly around adults and as an only child til about the age of 10. now my stepson and stinky are very competitive...though they might tell you differently lol

-Ann said...

Good job. I just nearly choked to death on my coffee. You win!

Sweet Irene said...

My husband is still quite good at that. He is not in competition with anyone but the dog. The dog is silent, but deadly. My husband is loud and long winded.

the mother of this lot said...

I find this post highly offensive and I am thinking of cancelling my subscription.

Carolyn said...

I love posts about farts, but competitive farting takes it to a whole new level. More more more!

I once dated a British guy who used a hilarious phrase to describe a fart trapped under the covers. Gosh I wish I could remember it. Maybe the Mother of This Lot could help me out?

ps - Speaking of farts, where do you think the name for my blog came from?

Maggie May said...

Such a normal sounding family! They could be my grand sons!
What is it with boys/ men & farting?

Mya said...

The dog looking on with'professional envy'. Brilliant.

Mya x

Flowerpot said...

men and farts - or rather, boys and farts - could go on forever!

Willowtree said...

The one who stays under longest is the actual winner.

softinthehead said...

LOL I could alsmost smell it!!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh RC, nooooo. Hee hee. I suppose at least the bed was nice and warm with all that, erm, hot air.

And Willowtree is right. With my brothers it was definitely who stay under longest wins.

Iota said...

You remember my 7-yo who is deeply interested in bodily functions? (and his own version of the pledge of allegiance?) The other day he asked his little sister how her birthday party had gone (a preschool event held while her big brothers were at school). She replied that it had been good. His next question: did you fart a lot? She didn't even bat an eyelid, and replied: yes, yes I did, and blew a few raspberries to illustrate.

She is 4. What hope does she have?

laurie said...

oh you're giving me flashbacks of my five-brothered childhood.

Diana said...

I'm now taken by the magnitude of the compliment: "Oh, Mom (you're such a girl)"

Oh, yes. Proudly such a girl.

(I love how your testosterone crew can take something so sweet, like needing to curl up with you in the night, and add that layer of gross to it.)

Rudee said...

I know what you mean. My oldest daughter was never like that. My son was born that way. Nowadays, it's my son, my husband and Duke who demonstrate a cornucopia of eruptions on a daily basis but do so in competition. I think it may be a plot amongst them to get control of the TV remote. In your case, they got a big bed. They win.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I think we ought to get Amy in there too, she can fart for England!

C xx

aims said...

OH girl - you are having all the fun!

girl with the mask said...

Because boys will always be boys!

G.I.M x

Aoj & The Lurchers said...

My advice? Join in the farting competition with them. Then watch their faces!

Akelamalu said...

You reminded me what it was like when my two were at home! :(

Swearing Mother said...

Farting and poo jokes seem to be the funniest thing than can happen to a boy. My best friend's son,then aged aged ten, opened my daughter's wardrobe door and farted in it, closed the door again and told her he'd left her a present in the wardrobe for her to open when they'd left.

Believe me, it was a long-lasting gift and she didn't write him a thankyou note either.

Minnesota Matron said...

Yes -- testosterone is a unique drug. My 5 year old and nearly 12 can't walk by one another without some kind of jockeying for power and position. They poke and provoke. But the daughter in the middle? She's totally uninvested.

Nearlydawn said...

OK that was too funny! I love it. Of course, I didn't have to live it, or smell it for that matter!

Pamela said...

brave fart!
Wasn't that a movie where people's faces turned blue?

Kaycie said...

I dread opening the door to my older son's room on Saturday and Sunday mornings. The boys shared a room for years, and they always end up sleeping in the same room over weekends.

Needless to say, it's often quite stinky in there.