Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Where's Jack Bauer when you need him?

The following takes place between 6 PM. and 7:30 PM.

Fade in:

6:00 PM A moderately frazzled woman is standing in front of the stove willing water to boil. She lifts up the lid hopefully and peeks in. Clearly unhappy, she slams the lid back down on the pot.

6:01 PM Trixie the dog whines to go outside.

Enter a small blonde child of the culinary persuasion. He looks around and asks

What are you doing?

Woman at stove says

I'm trying to get dinner going before I have to take Gumby to his French class.

Small blonde child known as Surfer Dude says

Why do you look like you're in such a bad mood?


Stove woman says

Because I ended up spending the entire afternoon doing something totally unexpected and unpleasant and I've been behind ever since. I'm just a little stressed out and need more time than I've got.

She starts chopping a zucchini as she talks.

Surfer Dude says

Can I do that?


Stove woman says

If you can be fast because I have to leave in just a minute.


She watches him chop. She says

Could you maybe go a little faster?


He does. She says

Not that fast. This isn't Top Chef. You're going to cut yourself.

6:04 PM Trixie barks to come in.

6:05 PM SW goes to the kitchen door and yells for Gumby. He comes downstairs and they leave for French class. SD is warned to not touch the knife until SW returns.

6:18 PM Gumby is dropped off and SW returns to the kitchen, glancing at the clock. The water is finally boiling. She starts to throw together her desperation spaghetti sauce.

6:21 PM Trixie whines to go out.

6:22 PM
Surfer Dude enters and says

Can we carve our pumpkins now?


SW says

Do you really think that now is the best time for that? It's a little crazy around here at the moment.

SD says

Well, when ARE we going to carve them? Should we just wait until Thanksgiving to do it?


SW says

(never mind what SW says)

then she rethinks and says

Dad always does the pumpkins with you. He's way more creative than I am and you know it. You guys can do the pumpkins Tuesday after school.

SD says

Can I at least draw the faces on them now?


SW says

Sure. Go ahead.


6:27
Surfer Dude collects up markers and heads to living room with pumpkins. Trixie barks to come in.

6:28 PM
Sauce simmering.

6:29 PM Trixie whines to go out.

6:30 PM
Garlic bread ready to go in oven.

6:31 PM
Enter shaggy, ill-tempered teenager known as Sasquatch. He says

Will you go out to the studio with me? I need a copy of The Stand to read for school tomorrow and the only copy I have is a paperback and it's falling apart. I think there's a hardback copy out there somewhere.

SW says

There are shelves and shelves of books out there and I'm right in the middle of making dinner. Isn't this the book you have to have read by tomorrow? Like totally read? All 800 pages of it?

Sasquatch says

It's okay. I have plenty of time.

SW says

How many pages have you read?


Sasquatch says

120

SW says

(never mind what SW says)

6:32 PM
Trixie barks to come in.

6:33 PM They go out to the studio and look for the book. No luck.

Sasquatch says

Well, I'll have to get a new book. I only read hardcovers. I can't read a falling apart paperback.

SW says

Sure you can.

They spar briefly and Sasquatch exits the room.

6:47 PM Trixie whines to go out.

6:50 PM
Dinner is done.

6:51 PM
SW lets Trixie back in and tells the kids they can get their food when they're ready.

6:52 PM
SW leaves to pick Gumby up from class.

6:56 PM SW arrives to pick up Gumby and finds him shooting pool in the rec area of the community building. He wants to show her how well he's doing and says
Watch me. I can get all of these balls in the pockets.

7:02 PM
After missing nineteen shots in a row he finally gets the last ball in and they leave.

7:03 PM
On the drive home SW says

So you really have no homework tonight?


And Gumby says

Well, we have a little assignment, but it isn't really homework.


SW says

What is it?


Gumby says

We need a picture of ourselves as a baby and now. And I need a picture of you or dad as a baby.


SW says

Wow. That's going to be really tricky. I don't think I have any pictures of dad or I as a baby and all of our other pictures are still unpacked somewhere out in the studio. When do you need them by?

And Gumby says

Tomorrow morning.


SW says

(never mind what SW says)

7:10 PM
They walk in the door to find the Film Geek home popping a beer. He looks at SW and says

You wouldn't believe the day I've had.


and SW says

(never mind what SW says)

7:11 PM Trixie whines to go out.

7:14 PM
Dinner is served.

7:15 PM Trixie barks to come in.

7:25 PM Phone rings. It is the room parent from Surfer Dude's class calling (for the second time) to confirm treats for the party on Wednesday. SW states she will be bringing goodies as planned.

7:27 PM SW says

I still haven't heard a word out of the room parent from Gumby's class about the party. Loser! I wonder who the room parent even is.

And as her eyes grow wide in dawning horror, we fade out.

************************************************************************************* *************************************************************************************
Morning update :

Sasquatch decided to do his report on a totally different book.

Surfer Dude left Sharpies strewn all over the one year old sofa.

Gumby's photos (which we dug up) are lying forgotten on the dining room table.

Film Geek is sharpening his pumpkin carving knife.

and Stove Woman?

The party is planned and parents have been recruited. Gross Out Boxes are being made as we speak.

It's another day. Bring it on.

Loser.

26 comments:

Kaycie said...

I'll take out your kids and you can take out mine. Then we'll run off together Thelma and Louise style. Whadaya think?

ped crossing said...

If you pasted a clue to their foreheads do you think they would find it? What if you paid them to find it?

You have my deepest sympathies. May Wednesday be smooth sailing. Who am I kidding, it is Halloween. May you just survive. Intact.

And why does Trixie have to go out so much?

Deb said...

Oh, man... I thought I had it bad with four dogs. At least they all go outside as a collective.

my two cents said...

That was very funny! Guess you don't want to know that between 6 and 7:30 I was at a lovely bar and grill in Silver Lake celebrating the new job of a recently-former co-worker with several civilized adults (well, all but one of them is fully civilized...), do you? Ah, you'll have your time next week! Happy Halloween!

Sweet Irene said...

Wow, what a way to go through life! As if you have all the time in the world to have nothing better to do than to carve up pumpkins and hunt for photographs. Boys can be so unrealistic! That's why they grow up to be men.

Have fun celebrating Halloween. Don't eat all the candy!

Corey~living and loving said...

WOW! I really love how that was written. So creative and entertaining. Thanks!

oh and sorry about your luck! LOL

Altaglow said...

You have extraordinary comedic timing. As was mentioned by people that I had lunch with today who (can you believe it?) read your blog. The world has gotten small when I drive for almost an hour to have lunch with folks I haven't seen for six or so years and one of them mentions reading the Rotten Correspondent. The blogosphere apparently has brought us into many fewer degrees of separation than the old six or what was it?.

Willowtree said...

All you need is a few PoVs and this script is done.

Mya said...

Great post!

Make your life simpler - get a dog flap.

Mya x

Jen said...

Okay, I can finally say my life is neither this frazzled nor this amusing. I can finally say I'm boring. HOORAY! Three cheers for RC for making me feel more put together than I've ever been!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Why do they always come with problems, requests, etc., when you're the most stressed. Mine do the same. My daughter will suddenly and urgently tell me that I HAVE TO BUY HER FAIRY WINGS FOR THE DISCO ON THURSDAY STRAIGHT AFTER SCHOOL ON TUESDAY OR ELSE. And I do it. Why? And nice to know our puppy is shaping up to be like your dog.

Self employed mum said...

This made me laugh, my life is exactly the same minus the dog, I just have a little meowing kitten, but she doesn't get out yet! My son does that all the time with homework, I haven't got any homework and then when it's bedtime he needs a christening photo, why are they always at the bottom of the pile!

auntie barbie said...

This was such a good laugh….at your expense. Sorry but been there, done that and don’t want to go back. As I’ve said before you bring back memories for me and at least I can laugh at them now. You too will be able to laugh and smirk some day at some poor mother who shares their stories with you. I promise, really I do.

And Sweet Irene,
Girls are no better than boys. Its just that once they grow up they have selective memories of what pain in the a**es they were when they were teenagers.

laurie said...

i'm with kaycie! i have no kids but for you two, i'd.... well, i wouldn't KILL my dogs, but i'd... well, i woudln't ABANDON my dogs.


hmmm. i think kids are a lot of work. way more work than they deserve. good thing i was perfect.

laurie said...

oh, wait, i'd rather be at the bar with My Two Cents.

Kaycie said...

RC, I have changed my mind. I am going to the bar with my two cents and Laurie!

Amy said...

I feel your pain. I volunteered to be room parent a couple of times--and forgot about the Thanksgiving party one year. Oops.

Those insane days are good to keep your heart rate sustained for a while. So, they're good for us, right?

Thalia's Child said...

What an evening!! I hope 7:32 had you opening a bottle of wine.

Akelamalu said...

Oh C I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my side through laughing so much!

You have the patience of Job m'dear!

Diana said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaa!

I'm dying. Dying! You are the island of sanity in the rolling seas of madness yet the madness is such that it makes YOU feel as though you are the mad one and the rest of the swirling craziness is in actuality sane.

Prozac?

Happy in the Abyss said...

DAMN....I though squeezing into my Dorothy costume was rough....

LOVE U!

Happy in the Abyss said...

Hold on! Nobody went to the ER, right? Good night, then!

PixelPi said...

A week at your house and I would be in your psych ward overdosing on caramels and asking to go in and out in between tattered paperback copies of The Stand. And when did Stephen King become acceptable for book reports?

OK. Have to stop and go run errands and hope I'm not home until the rain starts and the kids go home. Halloween is okay, but that constant open door/close door/open door/close door. Oh, sounds familiar. Why won't they just show up at the same time, in a nice queue, get their candy, and exit left?

pursegirl said...

Wonderful post! Insane day. too much the regular, huh? I vote for the doggy door.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I'm wiped out! (we have a problem with Sharpies on our new couch too)

Jo Beaufoix said...

RC so sorry I've not been over for a bit, but that was brilliant. You are such a fantastic writer and sooo funny.
Hope it all turned out ok. I'm being very good and reading all your posts in order before I go to bed.
I can never get this far behind again. It's just wrong.