Friday, August 31, 2007

Desperation Ads





Wanted: A short order cook that must be able to prepare food for a family with varied requirements in a kitchen that appears to be open around the clock. Need some familiarity with both vegetarian cooking and roasting entire oxen. Must be prepared to cook high carb, high protein, low glycemic index, low fat, low carb and low protein meals, preferably all at once. (See attached spread sheet for family member's likes and dislikes). Must acknowledge in writing that chocolate is a food group before job is officially accepted. All offerings will be screened by a committee comprised of a ten year old foodie, an eleven year old vegetarian, a fifteen year old die hard carnivore, an adult male who has doctors orders to eat low carb/low fat (but doesn't) and an adult woman who considers popcorn and a glass of wine a perfect meal. Contract not negotiable - once you accept the job it's yours. Forever. Desire to fill position quickly as previous employee has abandoned their post for a medically sanctioned retreat, and was last seen babbling incoherently while eating popcorn and drinking wine. Send applications to feedingmyfamilysucks@picky.com. If you're crazy enough to apply...we'll hire you.


23 comments:

laurie said...

you know, i realize you're being funny here, but ... this is a really interesting topic.

when i was growing up, we ate what my mother put in front of us, dammit. there were no special meals for anyone. if we didn't like it, we were instructed to eat three bites and then we could leave. but not before.

the time she served liver, none of us could manage three bites. we sat at the dining table for hours. hours!

that was growing up. but now... my sister's middle son is a vegan, her oldest is a vegetarian who also refuses to eat eggs, and her youngest doesn't like vegetables of any sort. her husband was a meat-and-potatoes guy.

she made five different meals every night.

what happened between my parents' way,and her way?

laurie said...

ps i also think popcorn and wine is a perfect meal. also, chips & salsa and beer.

you can alternate nights.

Kaycie said...

Hilarious.

My kids eat what I put in front of them, dammit. No, really. They think I'm cruel.

With my popcorn, it's gotta be Dr. Pepper. A margarita is a must beside chips and salsa. Yum. I'm hungry now.

my two cents said...

Very funny! My mother made us drink our milk. Seriously, I had to sit at the table until I drank it. To this day, I gag on milk. However, she also once let us have hot fudge sundaes for dinner. I only make one dinner per night, but anyone who doesn't want it is welcome to make their own, or have cereal. Fortunately, I don't have several specific diets to adhere to.

word: govfoype, sort of like gov, or governor of hype, which is quite apropos!

ciara said...

very funny post...but i used to be in that boat. my oldest, who's 20, was a vegetarian for awhile. luckily, he bought AND cooked his own food. he and his best friend both were vegetarians, but gave into the 'meat' lol they don't eat a lot of red meats, but prob do chicken and fish most of the time. my son is a TOTAL foodie. his favorite show on food network is good eats (the host is like bill nye the science guy of food). my stepson is the pickiest of the bunch with 10 year old daughter coming in second. my 8 year old gives anything a whirl at least once...there isn't much she DOESN'T like. my husband...well, he loves food. not in the way my son loves food you understand, but just loves to eat it. doesn't care how it's made, where it comes from, and as long as it tastes good he's all for it lol

as you recall, after i moved here to cali when i married my husband, my husband would let the kids have other things when they didn't like what i fixed. i finally said NO MORE! lol but w vegetarians, kinda gotta make something different, eh?

sometimes we have 'fend for yourself' nights...this is where everyone gets whatever they can find and make ON THEIR OWN. my girls are quite adept at nuking microwave meals or making sandwiches. i don't know whether it's laziness or he's just not that bright that my stepson always gets his dad to nuke the meals. it's like HELLO..directions are on the back. oh, but wait, he's male...they're not so good w directions are they? lol

la bellina mammina said...

hmmm, wine and popcorns...where do I apply again? ;-)

Swearing Mother said...

I would apply for the job in an instant, but the only thing I am motivated to make for dinner these days are reservations! No seriously, I feel your pain here - son a veggie, daughter carnivore, husband no mashed potato or anything boring, me anything that fits into my mouth or isn't nailed down. My one success story is my son-in-law who came to us a finicky eater (no tomatoes, pasta, rice or anything "mucked about with") and now eats everything, and cooks it too! Result! The only thing is, his mother is very unimpressed with that, having catered for his fads all those years. Ah well, you win some etc., etc.

Flowerpot said...

laurie, my mum was teh same when we grew up - one meal, we all ate it. Period. But yes it seems that things have changed now - and I'm difficult to feed, I know.

Jen said...

Waaaaah! I can't drink wine or beer anymore. Not for a while anyway. But I can eat popcorn. Luscious popcorn with butter and salt. Yum.

My mom is a pretty good cook, and we ate whatever she made. TFYO is a bit picky, so I usually make her a modified form of what we're eating, plus give her a little of what we're having. We're having grilled chicken and rice? She gets a homemade breaded chicken finger, two bites of grilled chicken and rice, along with the veggies. It's not so bad. But we only have one right now. It might get worse down the road.

You could just tell them to fix their own damn food. Of course, that could be even more disastrous.

code word: hrszreim = Her serum?

Must be referring to the popcorn and wine.

Amy said...

If I make a meal, my family is expected to eat it. I always try to make at least one thing that each person will like. If I make vegetable pie, which Kelsey hates, I will make green beans and garlic bread, which she loves. On free-for-all nights, if you can find it, you can eat it, and I might help cook/assemble it.

I used to let the kids make something else for themselves if they didn't like what we were having. I don't anymore because then they don't even try things.

Also, we order a lot of pizza. And Chinese. And Noodles is just down the road. So is Cousins and....

The Rotten Correspondent said...

laurie - in trying to answer your comments I've practically written another post, so have decided to put it up tomorrow. the short version is that, of course, you're right. and I wish I knew why things are different, but I don't.

kaycie - I'm also big on diet coke with popcorn. or iced tea. or anything now that I think about it.

my two cents - not one of my kids is a milk drinker, probably because I hate the stuff. my mom never made me drink it though. now liver...

ciara - I love the fend for yourselves nights. If anyone wants to bitch they can look in a mirror!And why can't people in one family have the SAME food issues? Why do they all have to be different?

bella - I'm warning you. The wine and popcorn are the only perks.

swearing mother - reservations are my very favorite thing for dinner. But my family can't even decide on where to go. We're big on buffets where everyone can get what they want and take their eyes off someone elses plate!

flowerpot - I don't help my own problem, because I've got things of my own I won't eat. So as much as I want to pop them one for turning their noses up, I can't.Well, I could, but I'd feel a little hypocritical.

jen- in the interest of being your good friends, I think all of us reading here would be willing to take care of the wine drinking for you. It's the least we can do. Really. I did the same thing with all of my kids, some things they ate straight and some I modified. They all eat a huge range of things, I'll give them that.

amy - I do that too. I'll modify things so they appeal to the lowest common denominator. I do a lot of things "separate" so they'll eat them. I love free for all nights. We call them leftover nights and everyone is on their own.

ciara said...

we are gonna have 'fend for yourself' tonight lol i don't feel like coming home from cheer practice and cooking. besides, they got a home-cooked meal from me last night. they should consider themselves lucky. lol

p.s. if u see la bellina tell her i can't get onto her blog anymore. i guess i wasn't 'invited' :( lol

Akelamalu said...

I don't like popcorn can I just have the wine please?

I got into the habit of pandering to different tastes when my two boys were at home. Then I thought enough they'll eat what I put in front of them or starve. Guess what - they didn't starve! :)

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Another great blog I have come across today. I can't cook I'm afraid but I can open a bottle of wine and pour a packet of popcorn into a bowl. Will I do? Oh and I have a child who eats for England - I think she's got worms actually!

Crystal Jigsaw xx

Dumdad said...

Over here on The Other Side of Paris, you eat what is served up by the Frog Queen. However horrible (like brains, as illustrated on my blog).

Actually, Her Royal Frogness is a great cook and we all love her French cuisine. Except brains.

And now and then, occasionally, the kids enjoy a trip to McDo's. Well, variety is the spice of life and all that....

Sweet Irene said...

I am new here and I won't put my two cents worth in just now, but just say hello and that I read some of your older posts and enjoyed them very much. I'll be visiting you every day, so ciao...

The Rotten Correspondent said...

ciara - fend for yourself night is the only way to go during kid activities. As far as la bellina goes, I haven't seen her around in the last little bit.

akelamalu - and I know mine won't starve either. It's that stupid supermom complex that I need to outgrow.

crystal jigsaw - welcome! Nice to have you drop in. My middle child also eats his own weight a day and could very well have a tapeworm of his own!

dumdad - from what I've heard, the Frog Queen could cook for me almost any time. But not on brain night, okay??

sweet irene - welcome to you too! Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the older stuff and hope to see you again!

Iota said...

Sausages and fish fingers. These were my staples. Then I came to the US. Sausages are ok (though not as nice, sorry), but you don't have fish fingers. How can you be a world superpower and not have fish fingers? I'm not going to apply for this job. Unless the salary is really really impressive. And I can import fish fingers.

Thanks so much for the award. Will collect soon.

CamiKaos said...

mmm. I prefer popcorn and a margarita myself...

The Rotten Correspondent said...

iota - if you'll take the job I'll find you fish fingers. um...what is a fish finger?

camikaos - popcorn and a margarita works fine too. the important thing is the salt/alcohol combo.

laurie said...

in america, our fish don't have fingers.
but our chickens apparently have nuggets.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

is a fish finger a fish stick? and are you sure it's only american chickens that have nuggets??

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hi Rc, sorry I'm late to the party.

Fishfingers are fish sticks I th nk...fish in bread crumbs??

When we were younger, I was a veggie, one brother was allergic to potatoes and the other wouldn't eat rice or pasta. I think my sister was the only 'normal' one.

We do what Jen does. The girlds eat the same as us or something modified.

They don't really like spicy stuff yet but I keep trying.

And Jen, we'll definitely drink all the wine for you. RC is right, it's no problem. That's what friends are for there's no need to thank us.