Wanted: A short order cook that must be able to prepare food for a family with varied requirements in a kitchen that appears to be open around the clock. Need some familiarity with both vegetarian cooking and roasting entire oxen. Must be prepared to cook high carb, high protein, low glycemic index, low fat, low carb and low protein meals, preferably all at once. (See attached spread sheet for family member's likes and dislikes). Must acknowledge in writing that chocolate is a food group before job is officially accepted. All offerings will be screened by a committee comprised of a ten year old foodie, an eleven year old vegetarian, a fifteen year old die hard carnivore, an adult male who has doctors orders to eat low carb/low fat (but doesn't) and an adult woman who considers popcorn and a glass of wine a perfect meal. Contract not negotiable - once you accept the job it's yours. Forever. Desire to fill position quickly as previous employee has abandoned their post for a medically sanctioned retreat, and was last seen babbling incoherently while eating popcorn and drinking wine. Send applications to email@example.com. If you're crazy enough to apply...we'll hire you.